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Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

While I’m up, can I get you anything?

Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.

Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore

Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

While I’m up, can I get you anything?

Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.

Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:

Chicken McBobbitts

Salmon McNella

Tom & Roseanne “Together Forever” Value Meal

Shirley McLean Burger

McMenudo

Filet o’ Gefilte Fish

Way Too Happy Meal

Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

Them Ain’t Nuggets!

McKitty Sandwich

Boutrous Boutrous Burger

Rocky Mountain McOysters

McSpleen

The Depressed Meal

Filet O’ Flesh

McShrooms

Bob Barker’s Happy Pants Meal

McTonya Club Sandwich

Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial

You don’t recall that line from It’s A Wonderful Life saying, “Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!”

Your kid makes a fortune trading in “Elmo futures.”

Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary “4th wise man” in new nativity scenes.

The impossible-to-get “Tickle Me Jesus”

Santa’s Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year’s Indy 500.

Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

WWF presents “Oh, Holy Night” Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.

Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

Santa’s North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.

Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, “On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy.”

$, the holiday formerly known as Christmas

Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness’s pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter’s.

The Baby GAP’s line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)

Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase “Ho, Ho, Ho” — an injunction limits Santa to “a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables.”

Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman’s hair

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon

Motor Trend never mentioned a “Chevrolet Caca.”

Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

Passenger-side “airbag” is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

Car has spent more time on “60 Minutes” than on the road.

Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

“Jaws of Life” in trunk.

The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, “Where do you want to go today?”

You realize too late that it *is* your father’s Oldsmobile.

Ralph Nader’s home phone number written on dashboard.

The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.