Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

You Know You’re Too Stressed If…

You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin to chase you.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things become “Very Clear.”

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

This looks like a good spot for a nap.

Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!

Recalled Christmas Toys

Broken Bag-O-Glass

Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

Switchblade Barney

Pork-n-Beany Babies

Make your own moonshine kit

Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

You Know You’re Having a Bad Day When…

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.

You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.

Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.

I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.