Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

‘The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and
spread the word…’

‘Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?’

‘I like every bone in your body especially mine… ‘

‘My face is leaving in 15 minutes be on it…’

‘Why don’t you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?’

‘I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock…’

‘Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them?’

‘When does your centerfold come out?’

‘So do ya wanna see something really swell?’

‘Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get…’

‘You’re like Pringles once I pop you, I can’t stop you…’

‘You have great legs, what time do they open?’

‘If you were a car door, I would slam you all night long…’

Indifferent:
Rushes in, raises dress with a “whoop”, pulls crotch of
panties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows
and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes
and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from a third
story window.

Cautious:
Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats
that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her
nylons.

Worried:
A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue
on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into
toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails
after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed
drunk again.

Conceited:
Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other
girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while
peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be
compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts
louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy:
Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of
toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all
over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt
caught in panties.

Timid:
Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can,
turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly,
flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens
intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed:
Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the
floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and
carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous -
Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of “Row, Row, Row
Your Boat”.

Literary:
Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames
“Forever Amber” for her hemorrhoids.

Big Time:
Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to
the other girls about the guy she “had” last night. Shows girls
her panties with black lace edging and “Welcome” embroidered
in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.

Drunk:
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise skirt.
Pees happily while singing cheerful little songs. Starts to sob
uncontrolably when she realizes she forgot to pull down her
panties. Continues to pee and sob.

Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got
together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT’S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT’S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT’S A BRUNETTE’S MATING CALL?
“Has the blonde left yet? ”

WHY DIDN’T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power
in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who
screwed us in the past.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you
to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you
really tried them.

Love means never having to say, “Does that twenty include the
spanking?”

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it
wouldn’t kill you to wash your hands in between either.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can
provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes
with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider
dating outside the family.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then
when Life isn’t looking, give him a quick knee to the groin.
That’ll teach him.

They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too,
and I find it more personal and sincere.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease
to be amused.

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time
to look. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment
is due.

5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.

6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

7. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

8. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not
the toy.

10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.