Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

In a small town in England, there is a small store. And
in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to
it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But
if you lie, you disappear. A very ugly brunette came in,
stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think
I am the prettiest woman in all of England!” And poof,
she disappeared. Next came a very ugly redhead. She stood
before the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think I am the
prettiest woman in all of England.” Poof! She disappeared!

Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She
stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think…” Poof!
She disappeared.

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career
in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you
can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t
they? Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo
in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting
a sweater again. Santa

*****
Dearest Santa, We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our house? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself “Marky” that’s why you’re
getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don’t live in
a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please
remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something
for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time,
not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present
in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of
work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person
who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman
in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed
her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live
long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have
touched their life in ways you will never know

New billboards are getting attention in Cleveland (and other places).
Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed
all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks”
billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white
text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Tell the kids I love them.
-God

Let’s meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God

C’mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of “Thou Shalt Not…”
didn’t you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain,
I’ll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God

That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…
I meant it.
-God

I love you and you
and you and you and…
-God

Will the road you’re on
get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory,
you’ve got to be kidding.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it’s hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea
where you’re going?
-God

(And my personal favorite…)

Don’t make me come down there.
-God

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s.
And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said,
“Supersize them.” And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man
gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream
dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato
chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO’s.