Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

The Jones were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The
man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Jones cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty
of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and
me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot of. . . ” gasped Mrs. Jones.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m
sure.”

“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London.”

“Oh my God!!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Jones.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in.”

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your,
…equipment?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too
big for me to hold very long.”

Madam? Madam?…Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground
rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth
operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that
his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk
insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after
trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on
inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three
bull’s-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware
of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a
small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once
again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and
once more scored three bull’s-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general
direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once
more he had scored threebull’s-eyes . But this time there was an
onlooker with good eyesight.

“That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the
target and inspecting it closely.

“Yes, sir!” he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent
68-piece set of glassware!”

“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!”

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean
the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the
mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet
and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny
town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting
in their pews and talking about their lives, their families,
etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the
church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from
the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused
Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you
know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” Satan asked,
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t
you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Because I have
been married to your sister for over 53 years.”

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has
the class go home and think of story and then conclude
the moral of that story …

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad
owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out
of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asks for the
moral of the story … Suzy replies, “don’t keep all your
eggs in one basket”

Next is little Lucy … “well my dad owns a farm too and
every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the
incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched” …
teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies “don’t
count your eggs before they’re hatched”

Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war;
his plane was shot down over enemy territory” … “he jumped
out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun
and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers.

He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly
any moral to his story … Billy replies, “Don’t fuck with
uncle Ted when he’s been drinking”