Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Many years ago a local girl, Cecile, asked me if I would keep
the books for the whore house she was running. Since I was a
good customer as well as the bookkeeper, she said that in the
future I could use the “facilities” for free.

When I investigated the books and the operation, I discovered
that she saved and washed out the condoms for future use, except
for the fur-lined rubbers. They were too hard to get clean.

Next I ran across a cabinet where she had a file on every customer
that frequented her place. The files detailed everything about
her customers, including how much they spent there each year
and… what’s this? The size of their penises!?!

I grabbed my file, ran it through the shredder, and I never
returned. Do you blame me?

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said
the first one. “Me, too”, said the second. “Let’s fly down
and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no
more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,”
said the first one.

“Me neither, let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said
the second.

“OK”, said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As
he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love
baskin’ robins.”

There is a famous saying which states that “necessity is
the mother of invention”, however the inventions on this
list seem far from necessary.

**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when
you’re fifty?

**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.

**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.

**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not
meant to be.

**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

**Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.

**The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

**Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

**Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a
pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

**Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

**Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
“I apologize” and “You are right.”

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to
eat crow while it’s still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
“Go! You might meet somebody!”

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her–believe it.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.

13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Her Side of the Story

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We
planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the
afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later
than
I promised, but he didn’t say anything much
about it.The conversation was very slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we

could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant
and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer
him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said
no.. But I wasn’t really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn’t know what the hell
that meant because you know he didn’t say it
back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just
switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me
and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards i just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he’s seeing someone else.

=============================
His Side of the Story:

Celtic lost. Got laid though.