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No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that “no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

Auburn
Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Released this morning for the first time is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings.

“George?”

“Yes, father.”

“George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you’ll answer truthfully. Will you?”

“Yes, father.”

“Good. now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?”

“No, father.”

“You’re quite sure?”

“Yes, father.”

“Well, I’m afraid I’m very disappointed in you, George.”

“Why, father?”

“Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet.”

“Oh.”

“In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?”

“No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate.”

“You still insist you were telling me the truth?”

“In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you asked me if I had ‘cut’ down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that ‘cutting’ is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that , since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a ‘cutting’ relationship. I would call it a ‘chopping’ relationship.”

“Very well. I’ll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?”

“No, father.”

“No? No? Why do you still say no?”

“Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not ‘chop down’ your cherry tree.”

“Well, what did you do, then?”

“I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground.”

“So you chopped it down.”

“No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down.”

“George, I’m losing patience with you. But I’m going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?”

“No, father.”

“NO? NO? IT’S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?”

“I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my finger?”

“It’s the stump of the cherry tree you cut down.”

“And isn’t the stump part of the tree, father?”

“It sure is.”

“In fact, isn’t the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?”

“I guess so.”

“Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, ‘George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down yet the most important part of the tree is still standing.’”

“I see.”

“All I can suppose, father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me ‘cut down’ the entire ‘tree’ were motivated not by a search for truth, but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia.”

“George, you’re a real crafty little guy.”

“Thank you father.”

“Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?”

“Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer.”

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar West Virginia State Lottery?

You gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Why do folks from West Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

17 and under not admitted.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the

Same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in West Virginia burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

——————————————————————————–
Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.”

“If I guess how many there are, can I have one?”

“I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm……, five?”

——————————————————————————–
A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here.

My house is on fire!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

——————————————————————————–
The West Virginian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

“Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.

“No,” he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

“No,” he said again, “I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”

——————————————————————————–
A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, “What are those things for?” The driver said, “They’re to hold my balls while I drive.” “Boy,” exclaimed the West Virginian, “these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don’t they?”