Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.
The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, “Wow, where did you win all that?”
To which the Auburn fan replies, “You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!
Monday, July 18th, 2005
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I
have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I
am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you
will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.
— Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the
18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you
are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a
lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
Monday, July 18th, 2005
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started
naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of
school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he
got to one of the farmer’s son the boy replied “Wagon Wheel”.
The teacher said… “I need your REAL name, son”…to which he boy
replied, “It’s Wagon Wheel, sir…Really”.
The teacher in a huff..said.. “Alright young man…march yourself
right down to the principal’s office THIS minute!!!!”
The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said..
“Come on, Chicken Shit he ain’t gonna believe YOU, neither !”
Monday, July 18th, 2005
An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of
time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work.
She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one
overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, “What’s the matter, Ms. Dalton?”
“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the
matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the
matter…?”
Monday, July 18th, 2005
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, the son of
a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had
his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,”.
“Very good! “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for
the people shall not perish from the earth’”?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki,who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do.
She heard a loud whisper: “F__king Japanese. “Who said that?” she
demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,”
At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke.” The
teacher glares and asks “All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah! Suck this!” Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,”Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”