Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and
Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On
one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he
noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
“Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?”
“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn’t believe his luck. All week long he polished up
his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, “Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?”
“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes. “Hey, Lena,” said Ole, “vould you like a smoke?”
“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his
Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He’d struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
“Hey, Lena,” said Ole, “how vould you like to stop at that motel
with me?” “Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn’t believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel
and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in
the bed, her curls on the pillow.
“Vat have I done? Vat have I done?” thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up.
“Lena, I’ve got to ask you von ting,” said Ole. “Vat are you going
to tell your Sunday School class?”
“Lena said, “The same ting I alvays tell dem.
You don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time!”

The following are actual submissions on a series of
quizzes, tests, and essays. Enjoy…

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose
of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. ”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

A not necessarily well prepared student sat in his
life science classroom, staring at a question on the
final exam paper.

The question directed: “Give four advantages of
breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a
fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he
sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and
triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A

Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming
in his chair, not paying any attention to what was
being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him
to find out what the problem was.

Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been
circumcised, and he was quite itchy.

Miss Wanda sent him to the principal’s office to phone
his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making
the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
down.

All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the
back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all
laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back
of the class to see what was causing the disturbance.
The teacher glanced over at Joey… He was sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.

Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: “What are you doing?”
she gasped. “I thought I told you to call your mother!”

“I did,” replied Joey. “My Mom told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from
school.”

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki,
the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She
saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775.” He said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no
response except from Suzuki.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” “Who said that?”
she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again,Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit.
If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically
yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!” and
Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001.”