Sometimes, the crew of airliners make an effort to bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
1…On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants.”
2…On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it’s
something we’d like to have.”
3…”Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
4…As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
5…A flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6…From a Southwest Airlines employee….”Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 859 to Los Angeles. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t
be out in public unsupervised.”
7…In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child…pick your favorite.
8…Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines.”
9…”Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of
an emergency landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.”
10…”Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children… or other adults acting like children.”
11…”As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
12…”Last one off the plane must clean it.”
13…From the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is
pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!”
14…Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was
quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it
wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the
flight attendant’s fault it was the asphalt!”
15…Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
16…Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal.”
17…An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying United
Airlines.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old
lady asked, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
18…After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.”
19…Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
20…A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax … OH-NOoooo!!!!! LORD HAVE MERCY!!!!!!”
Complete silence followed … and after a few minutes, the captain came
back in the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!” A passenger said, “That’s nothing, he
should see the back of mine…….
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005