Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Sign over a gynecologist’s office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a military hospital-door to colonoscopy:
“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Another Pizza shop slogan:
“Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

take appropriate
action.”

On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve
come
to the right
place.”

On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill.
However, if you don’t,
you

will be.”

In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get

fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a propane filling station:
“Tank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago radiator
shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock
to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic
phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She
had gotten her entire family out of the house and was
calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her
first system error and interpreted the picture of the
bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was
going to blow up.

—————————————-

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-
up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have
done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I
wrote ‘click’.” (At this point I had to put the caller
on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what
had happened. I couldn’t, however, stop from giggling
when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: “Ok, did you type ‘click’ with the keyboard?”

Customer: “I have done something dumb, right?”

—————————————-

One woman called Dell’s toll-free line to ask how to
install the batteries in her laptop. When told that
the directions were on the first page of the manual
the woman replied angrily, “I just paid $2,000 for this
damn thing, and I’m not going to read the book.”

—————————————-

Customer: “I received the software update you sent,
but I am still getting the same error message.”

Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”

Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get
it to work?”

—————————————-

Customer: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”

Tech Support: “Tell me what you’ve done.”

Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.”

Tech Support: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what
it says.”

Customer: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk’.”

Tech Support: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”

Customer: “What?”

Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”

Customer “No…”

—————————————-

Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”

Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

—————————————-

Customer: “Uhh…I need help unpacking my new PC.”

Tech Support: “What exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t open the box.”

Tech Support: “Well, I’d remove the tape holding the
box closed and go from there.”

Customer: “Uhhhh…ok, thanks….”

—————————————-

Customer: “I’m having a problem installing your software.
I’ve got a fairly old computer, and when I type ‘INSTALL’,
all it says is ‘Bad command or file name’.”

Tech Support: “Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-
go to A:> \ and type ‘dir’.” Customer reads off a
list of file names, including ‘INSTALL.EXE’.

Tech Support: “All right, the correct file is there.
Type ‘INSTALL’ again.”

Customer: “Ok.” (pause) “Still says ‘Bad command or
file name’.”

Tech Support: “Hmmm. The file’s there in the correct
place-it can’t help but do something. Are you sure you’re
typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?”

Customer: “Yes, let me try it again.” (pause) “Nope,
still ‘Bad command or file name’.”

Tech Support: (now really confused) “Are you sure you’re
typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says ‘Enter’?”

Customer: “Well, yeah. Although my ‘N’ key is stuck,
so I’m using the ‘M’ key…does that matter?

—————————————-

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of
everything. They give the location, name, and everything
else just by scanning the computer’s asset barcode or
using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: “Hello. I can’t get on the network.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Just read me your asset number so
we can open an outage.”

Customer: “What is that?”

Tech Support: “That little barcode on the front of your
computer.”

Customer: “Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar
. . .”

—————————————-

And the best for last!!!!

Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this
install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”

Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”

Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk,
it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”

Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind
of error messages did you get?”

Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk
got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got
these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work
either.”

Tech Support: “You did what sir?”

Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the
disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking
the plastic stuff a bit.”

Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push
the eject button?”

Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted
it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the
drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then
I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can’t believe
you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”

Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted
butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the
disk out?” At this point, I put the call on the speaker
phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this,
can you repeat what you just said?”

Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get
your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull
it out.”

Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that
was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you
know, the thing called the disk eject button?” Silence.

Tech Support: “Sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”

Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer,
or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”

Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going
to sue our company because you put the disk in the
A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you,
didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult
your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and
physically rip the disk out?”

Customer: “Ummmm.”

Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance,
since we do record every call and have it on tape?”

Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed
to help!”

Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing
we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race
on the Potomac River. Each team practiced hard and long to reach
their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy
won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very
discouraged and depressed.

The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Metrics Team,” made up
of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend
appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference
between the two teams was that the Navy had 4 seamen, 4 Marines
paddling and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman
paddling and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting
company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants
delivered a three volume report, and advised that too many people
were steering the boat and not enough people were paddling.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force
Chief of Staff made sweeping changes: the canoe team’s
organizational was realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
NCO.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give
the 1 airman paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the “Air Force Canoe Team Quality Program,” with
meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the paddler. “We must
give the paddler empowerment and enrichment through this quality
program.”

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force
leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the paddler for poor
performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of
a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect
in the paddles,and issued career continuation bonuses and leather
rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes
they would stay for next year’s race.

The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding
for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making
divots in the grass when they’re rowing.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused
saying, “You do God’s work.” The next morning the barber
found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying, “You protect the
public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts
at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying, “You serve the justice
system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers
waiting for a haircut.

A manufacturer of bicycle tires was the speaker at a businessmen’s
luncheon. In response to a toast, he said, “I have no desire or
intention to inflict upon you a long speech, for it is well known
in our trade that the longer the spoke the bigger the tire…

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked
to have her husband paged. “Sorry, Madam,” came the reply, “The
house does not make doctor calls!”

A new motel caters only to short people. All the furniture and
fixtures are close to the floor. Persons who are under five feet
tall don’t even have to pay rent there. In case you’re interested,
it’s called “The Stay Free Mini-Pad.”

Work Application — One of the questions asked on our company’s
employee application form is: “Did you receive any training in
the U.S. Armed Forces that is relevant to the position applied
for?” An applicant answered, “To wake up early and go to work.”