Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

After the worldwide strike of the “I LOVE YOU VIRUS,”
reports are already coming in that the virus is
mutating into several stages. Within the next few
hours, expect to see:

The original “I love you” virus

The “I like you alot” virus

The “You’re nice, but I just want to be friends” virus

The “Look, it was just a date…don’t get clingy” virus

The “Okay, I think its best if we don’t have anymore
contact” virus

The “It was late, I was drunk, you were easy” virus

The “Stop calling me, you unfeeling jerk” virus

The “That’s it, I hate you and your stupid dog” virus

and finally,

The “You have made an enemy today, prepare to be
boarded” virus

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

The mother: “What did you name her?!?”

Brother: “Denise!”

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Brother: “The second one was a boy.”

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Brother: “Denephew.”

What do people in China call their good plates?

The length of a minute is depends on what side of the bath-
room door you’re on.

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

These awards are given to hybrid texts, the more fanciful
the better. This year’s short list includes:

“Green Eggs and Hamlet”

Would you kill him in his bed?

Thrust a dagger through his head?

I would not, could not, kill the King.

I could not do that evil thing.

I would not wed this girl, you see.

Now get her to a nunnery.

In “Catch 22 in the Rye” Holden Caulfield learns that if
you’re insane, you’ll probably flunk out of prep school,
but if you’re flunking out of prep school you’re probably
not insane.

“The Remains of the Day of the Jackal” is best left unexplained.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in
front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?