Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Some “Senior” personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5′-4″
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel
candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you
were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and
listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running
condition, but walks well.

(Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?)

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the
lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family
members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
“Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note
to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes
with your rocker.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people
to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren’t paved.

Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that
time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when
to say WHOOPEE!

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth,
silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the
age of 80 and gradually approach 18 (except for Algebra.)

Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a
succession of jerks.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything
to laugh at when you are old.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
functions.

One 70-year-old says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”

An 80-year-old says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit
there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a
bowel movement.”

The 90-year-old says, “At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap
like a cow”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until nine.”