Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, ‘I’m sorry, but we cannot
sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old
people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that
you are buying the cat food for your cat.’

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it
to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the
cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people
sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, ‘No, you might have a snake in there.’

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the
box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the
box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, ‘That smells
like shit.’

The little old lady said, ‘It is. Now can I buy three rolls of
toilet paper?’

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady said. ‘My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee
and the other is in your porridge.’

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyer’s first question was,
“Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed
under your will?”

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?”

The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to
notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?”

The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept
with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man
to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but
I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the
service himself.

She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in
the car until you’re finished.”

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an
hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the
County bury her!”

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck on a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to
the beach?”

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this
hat.”
“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the
gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this
hat yesterday!”

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go
by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been
reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’book and all they talk about is
‘mutual orgasm.’ ‘Mutual orgasm’ here and mutual orgasm’ there -
that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband
was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”.
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and
said, “No, I think we had State Farm. ”

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but
I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but
he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen
from his office parking lot, his family was delighted.
Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on
the phone. “We found the car less than a mile away,” he said,
trying to restrain himself. “It had a note on it that read,
‘Thanks anyway, we’d rather walk.’”