Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their
toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want
people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren’t paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is
that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no,
and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up
or leaks.

9. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the
tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait
until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a
succession of jerks.

14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled,
and blind they don’t recognize you.

16. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget
to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper
down.

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked
over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang
doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple
seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that damn makeup!!!

Well I’m a man but this sight scared me so badly, I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned me in a sensitive spot, ruined the damn
phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.:

Joe Smith started the day early
having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast
in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio (MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another
discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can’t
find a good paying job in…..AMERICA…..

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner:
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

9) TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

19) TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of
running a small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” Linda said. “I insist
that each of my employees take at least a week off every three
months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.

“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without,” Linda said.