Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
Soon after Dominik arrived in America (from Prague, Czechoslovakia)
he began having trouble with his eyes. So he decided to get them
checked out.
He went to an ophthalmologist who was quick to show him an eye chart
displaying the letters — ‘CVKPNWXSCZ’.
“Can you read this?” the doctor asked.
“Can I read it?” the Czech replied. “I dated his sister!”
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English
that kills you.
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know
that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain
-Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans… Another vegetable. It’s the best
feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie!
“When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
Are There Any Drugs for This Disorder?
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes…
I decide to wash the car and start toward the garage when I notice
the mail on the table. I figure I might as well go through the mail
before washing the car. I lay my keys down on the desk, sort the
mail and discard the junk mail.
As I discard the junk mail, I see that the garbage can is full. I lay
the bills down on the desk and pick up the trash can. Then I figure
that since I’ll be going near the mailbox while taking out the
trash, I may as well pay these few bills first.
Now where did I put my checkbook? Ah, here it is! Oops, there’s only
one check left. My extra checks are in the other room.
Oh! There’s the soda I was drinking earlier! Hmmm, I guess I’d better
take it out to the kitchen and discard it.
On the way to the kitchen, my flower arrangement catches my eye and
I realize it needs more water. I pour the soda down the sink. As I
wipe a spot off the counter I see my glasses on the window sill.
It’s about time. I’ve been looking for them all morning!
I guess I’d better go put them away so I can find them again later.
But first I’ve got to add water to the flower arrangement… Hey!
What’s the TV remote doing in the kitchen? Aaaaaagh! I’d better take
it to the living room because I’ll never think to look for it in
the kitchen tonight.
I take the remote out to the coffee table and find that the living
room is a bit untidy, so I go around arranging cushions and throw
pillows. Then I’m off down the hall, to… to… what the heck was I
planning to do?
End of Day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the flowers
aren’t watered, the checkbook still only has one check, and now I
can’t seem to find my car keys! I don’t seem to have gotten anything
done today, but I just can’t figure out why because I KNOW I WAS
BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and that I’d better seek help.
But first, I think I’ll check my e-mail.
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you SO worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE . . . . .
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’! ve always loved you in that robe.
The definition of PMS……..Pack My Suitcase