Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter?
= Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?
= Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash?
= 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement?
= 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God?
= 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour?
= Knot furlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone?
= 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine?
= 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches?
= 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis?
= 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes?
= A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers?
= 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones?
= 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles?
= 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days?
= 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds?
= 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards?
= 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs?
= 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks?
= 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish?
= 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins?
= 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations?
= 1 decoration
23. 100 rations?
= 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms?
= 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels?
= 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital
= 1 I.V. League

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that’s what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
The annoying drums
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks “Wow, this is cool.” He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager, “Hey! What’s with these drums. Don’t they ever stop? I can’t get any sleep.”

The manager says, “No! Drums must never stop. It’s very bad if drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When drums stop…bass solo begins.”

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice…