Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.

So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother’s house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

‘Don’t worry Maria,’ says the mother. ‘Tony’s a good man. Go
upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says his mother. ‘All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs.’

‘Don’t worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good
man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of
three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot-and-a-half.’

‘Stay here and stir the pasta,’ says the mother. ‘This is a job
for Mama!’

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the
bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin
wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out
of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in
court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge
finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting,
‘Silence in court!’

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up
and says,
‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should
explain what happened.’

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins
his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in
a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
bride.

The judge says, ‘OK.’

‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song,
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the
third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right
between her legs.’

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’

‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’

A newly married couple returned to their house after being
on honeymoon.

‘Care to go upstairs and have a shag?’ the husband asks.

`Sshhh ‘ said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what
we’re about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future,
we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about
asking, “Have you left the washing machine door open” instead?’

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don’t suppose
you left the washing machine door open did you?’

‘No, I definitely shut it,’ replied the wife who rolled over
and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy
herself and she nudged her husband and said,
`I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all.
Would you like to do some washing?’

‘No thanks,’ said the husband, ‘it was only a small load and
I’ve done it by hand.’

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped
over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. ‘Paddy! Paddy!’ she yelled.
Paddy came running in. ‘Paddy I’ve suctioned myself to the
floor,’ she said.

‘Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. ‘You’re just
too heavy, love. I’ll go across the road and get Shamus.’

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

‘Nope, I can’t do it,’ Shamus said, ‘Let’s try plan C.’

‘Plan C?’ exclaimed Paddy. ‘What’s that?’

‘I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break
the tiles under her.’

‘Oh okay,’ Paddy said. ‘While you’re doing that I’ll stay here
and play with her tits.’

‘Play with her tits?’ Shamus said. ‘Why would you do that? This
is hardly the time.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren’t so
expensive to replace.’