Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn’t breed.

Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won’t do as she’s told.

Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough
time on the end of your dick.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don’t use the damn thing.

What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Lunch time is the high light of my work day. Yesterday, a
bunch of us went to a local restaurant. Since it was just
us “guys”, they were all begging me to tell them some “dirty
jokes”. This of course led into some “gutter talk” and things
got worse from there. Before long Marco was bragging about
the size of his “manhood”. Jim tried to top it by saying his
was bigger, Rick added his own exaggerations.

Then Arturo said matter of factly “mine’s about four inches.”
There was stunned silence before I said “Art, your kidding
right?”

“That’s right, Rodney, four inches.” He said, with no hint of
embarrassment “you know, some women like it.”

We all sat in stunned silence, then Arturo went on to say, “of
course others complain it’s just too wide.”

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to
the following:

1. Call.
2. Don’t lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the
zoo rules: No petting.
6. The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
7. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. “Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”,
and “Bitch” are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never
going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when
you’re drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You’re wrong.
26. You’re sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
bound.
30. “Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
31. Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
34. “But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act
like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so
names.
45. Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don’t let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don’t lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact
that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting
room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances
everything.

Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on
every shot of someone crying

You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you
everywhere you go

You can go to the bathroom alone

Your last name stays put

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own food

The garage is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”

Cleaning the toilet is optional

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still
be your friend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry

You don’t have to shave below your neck

You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

If you’re 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything

You never have to worry about other’s feelings

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking “He must be mad at me”

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself
to look like him

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks

You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back

You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s

The remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the
bathroom

If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t
tell your friends you’ve changed

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
might become lifelong buddies

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a
hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet

You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny

If you retain water, it is in a canteen

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with
is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. “I hope we can still be friends.”
B. “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.”
C. “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
If you answered “A” more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really ARE a man.

If you answered “B” more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a
little confused.

If you answered “C” more than 7 times, “YOU DA MAN!”