Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing
love-making.

“Last night I made love to my wife three times” boasted the
Frenchman.

“She was in sheer ectasy this morning…”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the
Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelette and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
“And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once.” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she
say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is screwing!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.”

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband
has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his
attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’
tattooed to her Boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably
make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo
on her ass instead.

She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets
him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress
to expose the art work. “What do you think?” the wife says.

“Uh, who the hell is Bob?” the husband replies.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications
that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as
Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears
6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband
1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave
files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support

A man was standing first in line for tickets
from those who had canceled their
reservations to a sold-out play.

The manager said he had two together, and
pointed to the two women behind the man.
“You wouldn’t want to come between Mother
and daughter, would you?”

The man turned around, and replied, “No.
I did that once, and regretted it right up
until the divorce.”