Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

“Mommy, my turtle is dead,” the little boy, Freddie, sorrowfully
told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said,” That’s all right.
We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then
have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that,
we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new
pet. I don’t want you….” Her voice trailed off as she
noticed the turtle move. “Freddie, your turtle
is not dead after all.”

“Oh,” the disappointed boy said. “Can I kill it?”

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised
the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and
instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and
repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation,
“I pledge allegiance to the flag…” When his eyes fell on
Johnny, he noticed Johnny’s hand over the right cheek
of his buttocks.

“Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over
your heart.”

Johnny replied, “It is over my heart.”

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over
his heart, the teacher asked, “Why do you think that is
your heart?”

“Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she
picks me up, pats me here, and says, ‘Bless your little
heart,’ and my Grandma wouldn’t lie.”

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a
garbage collector,” replied the
boy’s father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a
strange ambition to have for a career.”

“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage
collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

The 1st grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still
not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can’t come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he
tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause.

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems
to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says, “Ladies and

Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him
there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of
some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle’s farm. Here is
the first….’JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!’”