Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. ‘I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.’
‘That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.’
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class but he can’t stop laughing.
The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing and he says, ‘Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?’
Little Johnny says, ‘I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.’
The principle says, ‘Well then why are you laughing?’
Little Johnny says, ‘Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather.’
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
One day at school, the topic of the day was, ‘What part of your body goes to Heaven first?’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, ‘Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I’ll make sure he’s the last one I call on!’ So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, ‘I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven.’
The teacher congratulated Susie, ‘That’s very good, Susie!’ Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, ‘I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven.’
The teacher congratulated Mary, ‘Very good, Mary!’
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’
The teacher gets ready and says, ‘Okay, Johnny, it’s your turn.’
Johnny gets up and says, ‘I think your feet go to Heaven first.’
The curious teacher asks, ‘Well, Johnny, that’s very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?’
‘Well,’ replies little Johnny, ‘last night I walked into my parent’s room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming!'’
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her a present.
Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it is now or never, he pulls into the parking lot. After a frantic search he finds a toy store. He goes inside and attracts the attention of a sales clerk.
When asked what he would like, he simply says, ‘a Barbie Doll.’ The clerk looks at him in a condescending manner and asks ‘Which Barbie Doll would that be, sir?’ The guys asks, ‘So, what ones have you got?’
The clerk replies, ‘We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Does Night Clubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.’
The man is puzzled, and asks ‘why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all of the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?’
‘That’s obvious!’ says the clerk, ‘Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s dog…’
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children began to discuss the dog’s
duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use
the dogs,” she said firmly, ” to find the fire hydrant.”