1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a credit-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter “p.”
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
53. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ’sauce smothered with meat’.”
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
64. When you’ve given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
75. Order a steamed pizza.
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005