Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

a third grade boy says to a third grade girl,”hey i would really love to get in your pants.” when she askes why he responds”cuz i just shit in mine.”

A diet is a weigh of life.

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.

It’s something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don’t gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure bit doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two… alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can’t you fit into the store’s dresses, you can’t fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat - FAST.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, “the pause that refleshes.”

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our
teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for us when we
returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table
was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there
was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We
are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we
wouldn’t do!”

My husband turned to me and said, “I suppose we could vacuum.”

your so fat u get stuck outside
your so fat your on both sides of the family
your so fat you have more ripples than a ripple factory
your so fat when you go in the sea the whales sing we ae family
your so fat when you jump in the pool the water jumps out

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin… it’s simply a mistake.”