Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, “I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live”.

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?”

The doctor thinks for a moment. “There is one thing that you could do”.

“Just name it, I”'’ll do whatever it is”. He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, “Will that help my condition”?

The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to the dirt.”

Your Horoscope Quiz

Okay, first get a piece of paper and label it from 1-10.
Now remember, you need to take serious thought into these
questions!
No cheating — don’t scroll down until you have answered all the
questions!!

1. What is your favorite out of these three?
a. cat b. bird c. dog

2 What is your favorite color?
a. pink b. white c. black

3 Name a person of the same sex.

4. Name a person of the opposite sex.

5. Do you like the mountains, or beach better?

6. Do you like to watch the sun rise, or the sunset?

7. What’s your favorite number from 1-10?

8 What is your favorite plant?
a. red rose b. fern c. a dead one

9 What is your favorite season?
a. Spring b. Winter c. Summer

10. Make two wishes.
Wish #1
Wish #2

Okay, now for the results . . . . .
1. a) cat: you love yourself the most.
b) bird: you like hearing yourself talk.
c) dog: you put others before yourself.

2. a) pink: you’re outgoing
b) white: you’re classical
c) black: you’re living on the edge.

3. This person is your lucky star.

4. You’ll become very, very close friends with them.

5. a) mountains: fast paced wedding.
b) beach: slow paced wedding.

6. a) sunrise: you’re a morning person and you get more done.
b) sun set: you are romantic and you fall in and out of
crushes slowly.

7. The number you picked is how many people it willtake before you
find your true love.

8. a) red rose: your life will be beautiful but sometimes thorny.
b) fern: your life will be predictable and safe.
c) a dead one: your one sick person!

9. a) spring: you’re hopelessly romantic.
b) winter: you’re a hugging kind of person.
c) summer: you’re a bare-all kind of person!

10. If you send this to:
a) 1 person, your 1st wish will come true.
b) 5 people both of your wishes will come true
c) 10 or more people, both wishes will come true in two days.

YOU HAVE 45 MINUTES!

A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
“Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your
checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”
“Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of control.”
“Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” asked
the banker.
“Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue
with you than with her.”

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved
in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting
outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process
them into Heaven. While they are waiting, they begin to wonder,
“Could they possibly get married in Heaven?”

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t
know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits for an answer. It takes a couple of
months. While they are waiting, they discuss whether or not
they should get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together
forever?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, you CAN
get married in Heaven.”

Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if
things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asks the frightened couple.

“OH, C’MON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a
preacher up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to
find a lawyer?”

Southern phrases that will help you fit in if you move to the south

- Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
- It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.
- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been “saucered” and “blowed.”
- She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.
- It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
- My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.
- He’s as country as corn flakes.
- This is gooder’n grits.
- Busier than a cat covering poop on a marble floor.
- If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it.