Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
Who are the most important men in women’s’ life:
The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon you’ll loose interest.
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
HIS
—
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
2a. car still in gear
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
4a. pull ahead as shovin’ all in shirt pocket
HER
—
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one
another and started bantering back and forth about male/
female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who
were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued
for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So
they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even
going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their
opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished
making his point. Confident in the strength of his
argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think
about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which
feels better - your ear or your finger?
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have
a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to
dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of
them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing
each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation
that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward…
I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know
this person?
And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…
February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemma check the
odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe
he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling
some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so
reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid
of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it
on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87
degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d
be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but
I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day
warranty…scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll
give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and …
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…Oh
gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Roger.
“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no
knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and
there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Roger.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as
he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he
comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Roger.
“That way about time,” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Roger,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps
two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it
time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and
gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I’ve got news for you.
“You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “I’m on the wrong bus!”