Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Residency Application

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse’s Name:

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name:

Father’s Name: (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don’t know

Are you ready to be pulled over? Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn’t like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker? Take this
simple quiz and find out!

Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over. Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each. Check your answers at the end.

1. Do you know why I’m pulling you over, son/maam?
a. No, sir.
b. Because you’re lonely?
c. To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
d. Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
e. Because you wanted a donation to your police station? (Handing him
a fifty or two)
f. Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
g. Because I’m pedaling too fast?
h. Because I’m Ice-T?

2. Can I see your license and registration?
a. Yes sir. (handing them over)
b. Can I see your high school diploma? Oh, I forgot…you’re a cop.
c. Wanna see pictures too? (pulling a string of family photos out of
your wallet) Here’s my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her…oh,
how did THAT picture get in here?
d. I don’t have a license, and this car is stolen.
e. (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
it to him)

3. Would you mind stepping out of the car?
a. Of course, sir. (getting out)
b. What? In this weather?
c. Are you kidding? I’m too drunk to stand up!
d. First, repeat after me: “I realize that you are not Rodney King.”
e. This is a motorcycle, dumbass.

4. Walk along this line.
a. Yes sir. (walking the line)
b. No thanks…I just snorted one.
c. Duuuude…which one? The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
in the middle that’s laughing at me?
d. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?

5. You call that a straight line?
a. Yes, sir.
b. Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern! (NOTE: This is
stolen from Emo Phillips)

6. Do you want to spend the night in jail?
a. No sir.
b. What are they serving for dinner?
c. That depends. Are YOU gonna be there, big fella? (smiling
seductively)
d. Do the cells have ESPN?
e. Sure! I haven’t seen your mom in months!

7. Hey, that’s my car! Don’t pee on that!
a. Yes, sir (zipping up)
b. Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)

SCORING
——-
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered “a”.
Give yourself 83 points if you answered “e” for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn’t going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer “b” of #5 from an Emo
Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.

Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology
Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are
recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a
Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students
———————————-

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil

2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald’s employee

3. On weekends, I go to _____
0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10

4. My favorite hobby is _____
0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing

5. I have taken ______ English classes.
0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with
Cray 2 Supercomputer

7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis

8. In between classes, I like to _____
0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on
my calculator

9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____
0) My manual typewriter
1) The school’s word processor
2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud

10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals

11. The best use of a computer is _____
0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends

12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out

13. What part of speech is “interface”?
0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data

14. What do you consider to be paradise?
0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators

15. What type of music do you like?
0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise

16. What is your favorite game?
0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races

17. My favorite Movie show is _____
0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit

18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
0) Write it on my arm
1) Derive it during test
2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19. The person I marry must have_____
0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port

20. What I fear the most is _____
0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

——————————–

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.

00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!

It was the final examination for an introductory English
course at the local university. The examination was two
hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was
not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted
and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a
student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam
booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and
began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except
the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later,
the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at
his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his
exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The
student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know WHO I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly “Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic”)

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

GE104: How to Parallel Park

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don’t Have (formerly “How to Cut Credit Cards in Half”)

HE103: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: How to Say “No” With Kindness and Appreciation

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly “Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else’s Life Too”)

IR106: Understanding Men’s Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called “We Know What That Little ‘Plastic Applicator’ is REALLY For!”)