Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Hugh G. Rection
Jim Nassium
Claire Voyence
Buster Hyman
Anita Moore (Roger’s Mom)
Dick Peede
Mike Hunt

Mai Dixie Wrecked
Jon Doe’s brother Dil

TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4

MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice
MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot
SAR SAR SAR SAR
CM Wangs CM BDI’s CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice

Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________

CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________

Address (RFD No.):_________________–_____________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________

Mamma:_________________________

Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____

Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____

BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain’t a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you’re horny
____Don’t Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You’s Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin’ ____National Rifle Association

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin’Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin’ Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:

____Square Dancin’ ____Possum Huntin’ ____Skinny Dippin’
____Craw Daddin’ ____Gospel Singin’ ____4-Wheelin’
____Drankin’ ____Spittin’ Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin’
____Honky Tonkin’ ____Noodlin’ ____Other

Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke

Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy

Weapons Owned:

___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick’ry Switch

Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle
___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Smile if You’re Not Wearing Underwear
___N.R.A. ___Redman ____Kodiak

Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________

Memberships:

___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin’ Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society

Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________

Number of Testicles Shot off in ‘Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red? ___Yes ___No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________

Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

Are you married to any of the following:

____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow

Do you know her name?________________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________

If so, why?______________________________________________________________

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:

___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…

a. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and
cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a
football game; she’s reading the papers — when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:

a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
“c.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s
disease and cancer.

First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):
Mother’s name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father’s name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife’s name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
Mother( ) Neighbor’s dog( )
Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won’t Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife’s hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) What does “previous” mean?( )
Huh?( ) All of the Above( )

Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )
(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )
apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:

Signature (or ‘X’ if you can’t write)________________________________