Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

It is with a sad heart that I pass on the following. Please join me
in remembering a truly great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the tummy.
He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the California Raisins, The
Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled with
flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She
described Doughboy as a man who never knew he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart cookie,” wasting
much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky
at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise
again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two childred, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for twenty minutes.

Martha’s way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women’s Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
it anyway.

Martha’s way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
The Real Women’s Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.

Martha’s way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
The Real Women’s Way:
Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop
in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
“fix me up.”
The Real Women’s Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad.
Please recite with me: The Real Women’s motto: I made it and you
will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

Martha’s way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and
it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women’s Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha’s way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women’s Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

Martha’s way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women’s Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub
a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and
then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are
now BLIND!

Martha’s way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women’s Way:
Go ask that very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip……

Martha’s way #10:
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women’s Way:
Leftover wine?

What’s brown and white and flops on the beach?
A Filipino and a seagull fighting over a fish!

What do you call a Chinese walking a dog?
A vegetarian

Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.

Why don’t Japanese people like mushrooms?
They remind them of nuclear bomb that was dropped on them

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved
to America, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his
name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu…well,
he had to go back to China.

What do you call a fat chinese person
A chunk

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do
is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others
- they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re
finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of
money to take its place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in
your house, one of your kids did it

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned to say “F— ‘em if they can’t take a joke”
- in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends…trust me,
they’ll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe
Something good will happen.
If not…tough shit.

A young boy went up to his father and asked, “What is the difference
between potentially’ and ‘realistically’?

The father pondered for a while, then answered “Go and ask your mother
if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds.
Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million pounds?” The mother replied, “Of course I would.
I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”

The boy then went to his sister and said, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million pounds?” The girl replied, “Oh gosh!! I would just
love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!”

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to
his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between
‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”

The boy replied, “Yes, potentially we’re sitting on two million pounds,
realistically we’re living with two slappers.”

The father replied, “That’s my boy!”