Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that
this is your “personal space.”

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all
of you just shut UP!”

4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in
there?”

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call
you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear
the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new
socks on!”

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion
sickness!”

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and
move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
there’s no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with
skid marks.

Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and
you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you
have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so
much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you’re
afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It’s the kind where you want
to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few
times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That’s where it hurts so bad coming out,
you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of
your rectum so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your butt and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same
time chronically burns your tender poop chute.

Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.

The Girlie Poopie- The people that think their poopie doesn’t
stink..

Fisherman’s Bobber Poopie- That’s the kind where you’re in the
public rest-room, and there are two people waiting for your
stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golf
ball-sized pieces are still floating on the water..

The VanGough Poopie- That’s where after you poopie, you are
shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and try
to figure out what you ate to do it again.

The Show-and-Tell Poopie- You’re so impressed with your own
poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can
appreciate it too

The Wipers Nightmare- That’s the kind that breaks off too soon,
so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.

Ambush Poopie- That’s when your in public and you think you have
to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.

Paralyzing Poopie- When you’re sitting poopie-ing so long your
legs fall asleep.

He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put
your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying
bright red pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to
see.

The “What Crawled Up Your Butt & Died?” Poopie- Also sometimes
referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone
of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and
gasping for air.

The Snake Charmer Poopie- A long skinny poopie which has managed
to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Ritual Poopie- This poopie occurs at the same time each day
and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Ranger Poopie- A poopie which refuses to let go. It is
usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but
quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small
piece of toilet paper.

The Premeditated Poopie- Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

The Porridge Poopie- The type that comes out like toothpaste,
and justkeeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep
going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there
helpless.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Poopie- An adorable collection of small
turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot
poopie.

The Peek-A-Boo Poopie- Now you see it, now you don’t! This
poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle
control.

The Mood Enhancer- This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of
constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The “I Think I’m A Bunny” Poopie- When you drop lots of cute,
little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing
sounds when they hit the water.

The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Poopie- When the bag of
Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop
shoot on the way out in the morning.

The Honeymoon’s Over Poopie- This is any poopie created in the
presence of another person.

The Groaner- A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal
assistance.

The Energizer Poopie- “Still Going!”

The Crowd Pleaser- This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Cliffhanger- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for
the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it’s
going to smear all over the place.

The Back-To-Nature Poopie- This poopie may be of any variety but
is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind
the passenger side of your car. Beware of poison ivy wipes.

The Aftershock Poopie- This poopie has an odor so powerful that
anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is
affected.

The Terminator- You poopie so hard you fall off the toilet.

T2- More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical
assistance to restart your heart. Clear!

The Cowboy- You’ve got to poopie so bad that you proceed to buck
and holler until finally the poopie’s been tamed.

The Runner’s Poopie- Experienced by long distance runners who
don’t want to stop so they poopie in their shorts. (inspired by
Jeff Reigal of BadAxe, MI)

Poopszopherenia- Fear of poopie-ing, can be fatal!

The Pool Poopie- Usually performed by younger children. It’s too
much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floatie toy
afterwards!

Painter’s Poopie- You’re up on the scaffolding and it takes to
long to get down so you just cramp it and wait.

Lost Poopie- That’s when there’s a poopie in the urinal.

Artery — Study of paintings
Bacteria — Back door of cafeteria
Barium — What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section — District in Rome
Cat scan — Searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — Sheep dog
Coma — A punctuation mark
Congenital — Friendly
D&C — Where Washington is
Diarrhea — Journal of daily events
Dilate — To live long
Enema — Not a friend
Fester — Quicker
Fibula — A small lie
G.I. Series — Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — Suitcase
Hangnail — Coathook
Impotent — Distinguished, well known
Intense pain — Torture in a teepee
Labor pain — Got hurt at work
Medical staff — Doctor’s cane
Morbid — Higher offer
Nitrate — Cheaper than day rate
Node — Was aware of
Outpatient — Person who had fainted
Pelvis — Cousin of Elvis
Post operative — Letter carrier
Protein — Favoring young people
Rectum — It almost killed him
Recovery room — Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — Amorous
Scar — Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — Hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — Study of knighthood
Tablet — Small table
Terminal illness — Sickness at airport
Tibia — Country in North Africa
Tumor — An extra pair
Urine — Opposite of you’re out
Varicose — Located nearby
Vein — Conceited

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.