Friday, July 15th, 2005
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
> > the headboard, a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit
> > irritated, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says:
> >
> > “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question
Friday, July 15th, 2005
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”
Friday, July 15th, 2005
“In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house
via the catflap,” Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen,
Germany. “I suppose that the reason they’re called cat flaps, rather
than human flaps, is because they’re too small for people, and perhaps
I should have realized that.” Burpus (4), a gardener from Breman, was
relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days,
after losing his house keys.
“I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast
around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs
and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. “I
began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams
were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me
but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my
buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then
they placed a sign next to me which said ‘Germany resurgent, an essay
in street art. Please give generously’ and left me there.
“People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said
‘Very good! Very clever!’ and threw coins into my trousers. No one
tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a
dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to
the police. The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police
arrested me as soon as I was free. Luckily, they’ve now dropped the
charges, and I collected over DM 13,000 in my underpants, so the time
wasn’t entirely wasted.”
Friday, July 15th, 2005
The Queen was visiting one of London’s top hospitals and she
specified
> > she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the
> floors
> > she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
> > “Oh my”, said the Queen, “that’s disgraceful, what is the meaning
of
> > this?” The Doctor leading the tour explains; “I am sorry Your
> Majesty,
> > but this
> > man has a very serious medical condition and is only following
> > doctors’ orders. His body produces too much semen and his
testicles
> > keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing
this
> > problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day
or
> > there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and
he
> > would die instantly.” “Oh, I am so sorry”, said the Queen.
> > On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse
was
> > giving a patient a blow job. “Oh my”, said the Queen,”What’s
> happening
> > in there?”
> > The Doctor replied, “Same problem, but he’s with BUPA.”
> >
> >
> >
Friday, July 15th, 2005
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?