Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a
better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends
get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are
strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all SIZES, in all colors and shapes.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they
care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look
like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
because they aren’t listening anyway.

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to
have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it’s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an
argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
“Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You
will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by
“Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes”
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over “Nothing.”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s
Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a
raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot”
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only
tell you “Nothing.”

A GIRL’S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
and when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say, when I ask How big’s my behind?
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin, in the hall,
the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.
““““““““““““““““““““““
A BOY’S PRAYER
I pray for a girl who gives great head.

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll give you her change, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;

At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, then love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.
Hungry.

She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS (???)

She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER