Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Top ten list of things to do to prepare for the ski
season: (And to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.)

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in
the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards,
burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the
ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of
skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking
for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in
your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $6.50 for a
hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and
ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate
your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s
in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

3.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let
the spray blast your face. You’d almost believe you’re
skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed
to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

10) Has to figure out at least a token punishment
for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble
in Worf’s bed as a practical joke

9) The impulse engines have been making a funny noise
lately

8) Crew refers to him as “Captain Chrome-Dome Retard”
behind his back

7) That the voices in his head telling him to throw
Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent
to ignore

6) Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D.
into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won’t
even put a dent in

5) Wesley might come to visit

4) Luwxanna Troi might come to visit

3) If he doesn’t get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within
thirty minutes, they’re free

2) The way Data keeps reading “2001: A Space Odyssey”
over and over again

1) Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion
and he’ll NEVER be rid of the big dork!

10) Ship’s food synthesizers make only deviled ham
and deviled eggs

9) Most common Sickbay complaint is neck cramps from
being possessed by demons that make your head spin
around, like in “The Exorcist”

8) Picard refuses to take the ship to any point in
either the Northern or Southern Cross

7) When the Captain’s Log is played backward, hidden
messages advocating Satan worship and human sacrifice
can be heard

6) A large cauldron, broomstick, and black, pointed hat
are prominently displayed in Troi’s quarters

5) Communicator pin changed to magical pentagram shape

4) Riker obviously made a pact with the devil that
forces women to be attracted to him despite his zero
personality

3) Forty percent of all male babies born on the ship
are named “Lucifer”

2) Universal Translator designed to handle speaking in
tongues

1) Picard tried to have the ship’s name and registry
changed to U.S.S. Beelzebub, NCC-666

20) Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons

19) Data swears

18) Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a
Saturday Night Live style Conehead

17) Picard beams down

16) All of Geordi’s lines are in words of two syllables
or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk

15) Troi runs amok with a machete

14) Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an
ensign, and all of his “command” has been a holodeck
simulation

13) No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar

12) Geordi gets a woman

11) Riker doesn’t get a woman

10) Data states that he cannot use contractions after
using one in the previous scene, and the fabric of
the universe, unable to withstand the continuity
error, is rent asunder

9) Picard wakes up muttering “there’s no place like
home”

8) Riker accepts command of another starship, the
U.S.S. ZZ Top

7) Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its
lead act being Beverly Crusher as “The Dancing,
Disrobing Doctor”

6) Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant
or a chief petty officer, O’Brien beams the entire
bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank
of Captain

5) Picard fires the phasers

4) “Prime Directive” is the word of the day, entire
crew goes “Aaaaahhhhh!!” at the top of their lungs
whenever it is mentioned

3) Data’s cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy

2) Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew,
and a no-name security guard saves the ship

1) Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea
Mix; does “Nestea Plunge” into swimming pool on holodeck

10) Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks!

9) Picard: It’s too bad we don’t live in an
enlightened, civilized era like they had in the
twentieth century.

8) Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out
of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot!

Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana
- a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis.
Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red…

7) Troi (to someone she is counseling): You’ve
obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now
get out!

6) Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!

5) a Starfleet admiral: Don’t worry about it, Picard,
there’s plenty of other ships in your quadrant.

4) Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache.

3) Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The
Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!

2) Geordi: We’ve modified the warp coils by reversing
the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator
and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to
the hyper-magnetic field controls.

Riker: What will that do?

Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell
*sounds* impressive!

1) Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire
all phasers!