Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had
a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling
about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his
new apartment. “I have a wife and three children and I’d love to
have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open
with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your
left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down
the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell
with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me… what is all this business of kicking the
front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then
my left elbow?”

“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

As you battle for mall parking spaces, and lug dead trees into your
livingBrooms it’s important to remember what the holiday season is
all about—-

MONEY !!!

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see, money is not everything
And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you all this because I am your Friend

And as your Friend, I want to take away all your pain and suffering.

So send me all your Money and I will suffer for you.

Three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!” One
banana turns to the other and says, “Do you believe that shit?”

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “You want to play ‘Magic’?”
She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.”

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”?

Q: Where do Blonds go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q. Who makes more money, a crack dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute because she can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: What do a bowling ball and a Blond have in common?
A: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Q. What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same
time but play different songs?
A. A senseless act of violins.

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize
it’s a do-it-yourself thing.

Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their ass to search
the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change the channel manually?

Q. What kind of a file would you use to make a small hole bigger?
A. A pedophile.

Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%
quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.

Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up
and think I’m Donald Duck, other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”
Doctor: “Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney
spells?”

Weird is weird.
It doesn’t follow the “i before e except after c” rule

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I’m with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that bathrobe.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to
realize that you had set it free ……. You either married it or gave
birth to it.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks
two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You
know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my address,
my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 lb box of candy can make a woman
gain 5 lbs.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know
what you’re doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
“Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous
toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen witch… do it and die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the
parents. The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you
can lead to embarrassing misstatements. To help you avoid some of
the most common conversational pitfalls I’ve compiled a list of
the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend’s parents when you
meet them for the first time:
10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter
said you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No… No… It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her
friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the
midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out hear! Send
the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good
girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or
girlfriend’s parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that,
I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father