Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough.

It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end
of it?

A death.

What’s that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high
school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…

and you finish off as an orgasm.

Tennessee recently passed a law making it legal to gather
and eat dead animals off the road. [Yummy.]

You can’t hunt game from a moving automobile. The only
notable exception to this law is whale hunting.

Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a
proud bitch that is running at large shall not be held
liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.

The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.

More than 8 women may not live in the same house because
that would constitute a brothel.

Things I Have Learned About Texas!

-Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in
the air.

-There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

-There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a
couple no one’s seen before.

-Possums will eat anything.

-Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

-Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they
are ripe.

-If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

-Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

-There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around
their house.

-A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

-The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops
totally until Oct 2.

-Onced and Twiced are words.

-It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

-Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

-Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.

-People actually grow and eat okra.

-When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will
survive.

-Green grass DOES burn.

-When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City
people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

-The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the
first couple of weeks.

-When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time
to go to the doctor.

-Fixinto is one word.

-A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.

-The word dinner is confusing. There’s only lunch and then there’s
supper.

-Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you’re 2.

-Backards and forards means I know everything about you.

-’Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

-You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what
time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

-They measure distance in minutes.

-They sometimes switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

-Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

-You see cars running in the parking lot at the store with no
one in them, no matter what time of the year.

-They use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

-All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal

-They install security lights on their house and garage and leave
both unlocked.

-They carry jumper cables in their cars … for their OWN car.

-They know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.

-They only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

-They think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

-They think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

-The local papers cover national and international news on one
page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

-They think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

-They know which leaves make good toilet paper.

-They find———— 100 degrees F “a little warm.”

-They know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer,
and Christmas.

-They know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or south
Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

-There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or
more.

-Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as “goin
wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”

-They describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.

-A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.

-They understand these jokes and forward them to their friends from
Texas.

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don’t
know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can’t find another
slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never
look in their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they’ll block the path of
anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are
trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into
the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.

5. If you follow behind a slow person in the grocery store
and you’ll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’
j. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.
w. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.