Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they
have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the
meeting hall and states,

“I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.”

Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first,
so the Pope tells them,

“Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment
is at hand, and our faith in His existence is justified.”

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks
up, asking what the terrible news is.

The Pope replies, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest
daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his
chest”, said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like
to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”,
said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like
to marry.

“I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the
ground”, said the youngest daughter.

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution
to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”

“I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.”

The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you
absolution.”

Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”

“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.

“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”

“Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps
you should remain standing.”

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when
Californians visit Texas, the states’ Tourism Office has adopted
a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Texan’s mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
they enter the state:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast
than you do all week at that pansy-assed gym.

2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive,
you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel
drive because I need it. So drive that son a’bitch or get it the
hell out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will
get your ass whipped…by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little 13-inch trout you fish for…bait.

6. Tell your kid to pull up his damned pants. He looks like a ****in’
idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t
have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak.
Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two
packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. Now ain’t that
impressive. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we
use two weeks a year.

12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks–because they want to.
So, you’re a feminist, huh? Isn’t that cute!

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too–and turtle. You really want
sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t
like it? Interstate 30 goes two ways — Interstate 35 goes the
other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish.

19. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like a
California moron…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home…ASAP

Irish Humor
Father O’Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the
window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful
day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.
The conversation went like this:
“Top o’ the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?”
“And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.
Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be after sending a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the
matter?”
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of
the conversation proceeded:
“Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father
O’Malley replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin!