Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress
and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it,
not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the
showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading
his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes
like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. ‘Oh look,’ says the second
nun, ‘a soap dispenser.’

To test her theory she also pulls his dick… and sure enough
he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight
she yells, ‘Look, hand cream!’

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won’t let her.

So, as Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

‘First, you must wear a diaphragm.’
Cinderella agrees and says, ‘What’s the second condition?’

‘You must be home by 2 am. Any later and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin.’

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes
and goes and Cinderella doesn’t show up.

Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up looking love struck and
very satisfied.

‘Where have you been?’ demands the fairy godmother. ‘Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!’

‘I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.’

‘I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name.’

‘I can’t remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other… ‘

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly
lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping
in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It
has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of
the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door
and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.

The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”

The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t
had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most
gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my granddaughter”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise
I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning.”

The old Chinese man counters “OK, but if I do catch you then
I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known
to man.”

“OK, OK” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he
thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the
wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came
down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he
had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months
without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep
their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had
quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man
crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,
“Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his
chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his
chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test:
100 lb rock on your chest”.

“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got
up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw
the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying
“2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”.
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third
sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied
to bed post”.

It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We
walked down to the tree and made love for hours,”
Amanpreet recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.

“Yes. It was OK until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaaaa.”

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run, So
We’re Even

20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Getting Better

17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight

15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You

13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I’ve Sure Woken Up
With a Few

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

4. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Double

2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

And the number 1 Alabama Country song of all time is

1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now