Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A man approaches the window of the movie theater with a
chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl
at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”

The girl tells him that he CAN’T take a chicken into the
theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken
into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes
in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken
can stick it’s head out - get some air and watch the movie.

Sitting next to him is Sherry. She elbows Myrtle and
whispers, “Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped
his pants!”

Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…..you’ve
seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Sherry says, “I KNOW……but this one’s eating my POPCORN!”

One would think that 99.9% accuracy rate would be great,
wouldn’t one? Well…. read the below statistics…. But
please don’t ask me for the source!!

If 99.9% is good enough then….

* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
* Two planes landed at Chicago’s O’Hare airport will be
unsafe every day
* 315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this
year
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly
during the year
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
* 3056 copies of tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal will be
missing one of the three sections

One Sunday after services, three Priests were
discussing how they determined how much money
they keep from the collection plate and how
much they give to the church. The first Priest
said that he put all of the money in a basket,
drew a circle on the ground, and then threw the
money up in the air. What fell inside the circle
was his to keep, what fell outside the circle
was the church’s. The second Priest said that
he too put all of the money in a basket and threw
it up into the air. What he was able to catch
inside the basket was his, and what fell to the
ground was the church’s. The third Priest remarked
at how similar his method was to the other two,
where he also put all of the money in a basket.
And he too threw the money up into the air. Then
he motioned upwards and said, “What he wants, he
keeps!”.

10) Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then
smacking himself on the forehead and saying “I
could have had a V-8!”

9) Yelling “Punchbuggy!” and hitting Riker’s arm whenever
he sees a shuttlecraft

8) Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on
the bridge

7) Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare
from his forehead

6) Lecturing everybody on why it’s rude to fire the
phasers at other life-forms

5) Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command
asking if Dick Hertz is there

4) Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he
can show her “a REAL Picard Maneuver”

3) Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense
confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking “Are
those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?”

2) Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice,
“Go ahead! Make it so!”

1) Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just
before an away team

To play the Star Trek drinking game, drink 1 sip when:

Anyone says-

Open hailing frequencies

Medical emergency

Belay that order

Energize

Hell, damn and other swearing (see Riker’s special
swearing rules)

Picard says-

Make it so

Engage

Come (two if said in personal quarters)

Captain’s log (two if supplemental)

Proceed

Number one

Worf says-

Impressive

Admirable

Grrr (a simple sneer qualifies as a grrr)

Data says-

Fascinating

Accessing

Whenever-

Riker swears- 2 drinks, 3 if it’s “hell”, whole
beer if he asks “what the hell is going on?”

Riker walks forward as if he’s trying to knock an
imaginary door down with his forehead

A female character has flawless makeup after she’s
been through the ringer

Picard straightens his uniform

Data’s innards are revealed

Data uses his strength

Data is cut off in mid-sentence, two if it’s a
list of synonyms

Geordie’s visor is taken or knocked off

Beverley can’t figure out some bizarre medical
phenomenon

Deanna senses something really, really shocking

Deanna gives us some Betazoid insight into something
obvious

O’Brian has a line (yes, we know it’s out of date.
Go make up a DS9 game

A crew member drinks, two if it’s Picard, three if
it’s Picard drinking tea, four if the tea is identified
as Earl Gray, hot

A bridge officer is shown in casual clothes (one drink
per scene, per officer), two if it’s Beverley in a
sweater or Picard in his chest-revealing bedwear

A bridge officer appears in dress uniform (one drink
per scene, per officer)

Somebody is addressed by his/her first name, two if
there’s some kind of sexual tension going on

They use transporter room number three

A shuttle craft seems like an unsafe place to be

Somebody reads a book (real, that is, with pages)

Somebody preaches about the Prime Directive, two if
it’s not Picard

Somebody preaches Humanity’s Unique Potential

Picard has an accident or is attacked or is abducted
by aliens, three if any of the above draws blood

Picard is possessed-four drinks

An “Old Earth Saying” is brought up, two if Data has to
have it explained to him

Patrick Stewart tries to speak French

Wesley talks back to his mom, in person or by sub-space

Somebody implies that 10 Forward is a happening place

They fade for an ad break playing the “ominous horns”
(cheap drunks can leave this one out)

Klingon is spoken, two drinks per scene when Klingons
are alone and have no reason to speak English, but do
anyway

A nifty new Romulan ship is shown

There’s a token alien in the background with no lines,
two if it’s identifiable

Yellow alert- one drink

Red alert- two drinks

Intruder alert- three drinks

Another Captain or Starfleet command officer is on the
screen

The Enterprise Crew avoids a confrontation instead of
blasting away

The Enterprise actually fights (shots must be fired)-
two drinks

Whole beer whenever the saucer section separates

They contact someone on the communicator/intercom
without going to a panel or touching anything

A communicator isn’t working or is blocked, two if
it’s out of range

New Trek contradicts a fact from old Trek.
Unfortunately, players may be too drunk to ajudicate this