Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m schizophrenic
And so am I

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve
discovered

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few…
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re
in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m there
after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT!

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says
that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans
stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand
shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the
verandah. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and
my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before
he could say “FUCK OFF!”, the dog ate him!”

Ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

On the plane:

1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew
that you have to carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on
it during the flight.

2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make
a face as though something smells really bad.

3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds,
speak in gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she
becomes more frustrated in her attempts to understand you.

4. When the captain announces “if there’s anything we can do
to make your flight more comfortable….” ring and ask that
the row of seats in front of you be removed.

5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your
flight attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you
might have, take them up on the offer. Ask questions that no
one can answer, like what you say to God when He sneezes. Even
better, act as though you have a short attention span and ask
them to repeat parts of it.

6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for
the pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be
as creative and vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight,
leave the magazine on board for the next person.

8. If you’re seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane,
as you’re taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button
and tell the flight attendant that you have an indiscernable
condition that would prevent you from performing the
activities listed on the safety card, and would like to be
reseated.
(WARNING: Don’t do this on New York-bound flights).

9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person,
the following are good ways to shut them up:

* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments
about the models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen
and begin to write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw
pentagrams and other satanic objects. This is especially
effective if you use a very smelly magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

———-==========**********O**********==========———

At the hotel:

1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens
from another hotel chain.

2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and
one of the beds has been turned down, stack all of your
luggage and dirty clothes on that bed and sleep in the other.
If there’s only one bed, make it look as if you’ve slept on
the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

3. Leave your “do not disturb” sign on the room all the time,
even when you’ve gone out for the day.

4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.

———-==========**********O**********==========———

At the restaurant:

1. If the hostess asks you “smoking or non-smoking?” tell her
you don’t care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

2. Bring your own food.

3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another
knife. Tell them “this one’s so dull, you couldn’t cut a fart
with it.”

4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess
pieces. If the server tries to take something off the table,
slap their hand and tell them “THAT’S IN PLAY!”

5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come
down to dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that
the restaurant requires a coat and tie, go back to your room
and return wearing a jacket, tie and boxer shorts.

1.Nitroglycerin suppository
2.My First (and Last) Dr. Kevorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
3.Paper cuts from hate mail
4.Wine press
5.Random act of terrorism
6.Dissolved inorganic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
7.Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
8.Exploding gas barbeque
9.Date with Lorena Bobbitt / Tonya Harding
10.Rusty meat hook
11.Pulp digester / Saw mill
12.Sexually transmitted disease
13.Lethal injestion of bean sprouts and tofu
14.Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
15.Barney meets the Terminator. “Hasta la vista…BARNEY!”.
16.Exploding school bus
17.Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
18.Children’s Tylenol laced with cyanide
19.Sacrifice to a tribal god
20.Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21.Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
22.Asphixiation on a Twinkie
23.Bungee jumping with cord tied around neck
24.1000 RPM merry-go-round
25.Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
26.Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road
27.Tail caught in elevator doors
28.Legalization of purple slavery
29.Home lobotomy kit
30.Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydroflouric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
31.Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32.Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33.Close encounter with a white supremist.
34.Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35.Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36.Swarmed by killer bees
37.Purple parasites
38.Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39.Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
40.Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41.Assilimation by the Borg.
42.Accupunture with a nail gun
43.Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44.Hit and run at a school crossing
45.Exploding in an industrial-sized microwave oven
46.Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47.Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry
48.Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49.Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife
50.Harpooned by a whaling ship
51.Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and “accidentally” pummelled with a baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature)
52.Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53.Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate, anyone?)
54.OOPS! Barney shouldn’t have soldered that propane tank while full.
55.Mistaken for a Pinyata
56.Run over by a zamboni
57.”I love you” song triggers avalanche.
58.”Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train
59.Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY
60.Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature
61.Crushed between plates in a fault line
62.Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like McFries with that?)
63.Inquiring minds want to know…What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64.Used as a crashtest dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you if you don’t wear your seatbelt.
65.Barney becomes one with Oscar Mayer
66.Barney used as shark bait
67.Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study
68.Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the Ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69.Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70.Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk
71.Nato air strike
72.Live organ donor
73.Egyptian mummificaton ritual
74.Plummet into an active volcano
75.Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants
76.Conversion to sugar glazed junk food
77.Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer
78.Pilgrimage to the Holy land
79.Purple Jonestown reagent
80.Visit to the taxidermist.
81.Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter
82.Take him off Prozac
83.Forced to watch “the Wall” video without his happy pills
84.100 hours of continuous “Black Sabbath”
85.Lead role in a snuff film
86.Tarred and feathered by crazed parents
87.Spontaneous combustion
88.Bludgeoned to purple paste
89.Compressed to a singularity
90.Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post
91.Sent to a Bill’s game dressed as a Miami Dolphin
92.The plague
93.Extruded through microcapilliaries
94.Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson
95.Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
96.Salt water enema
97.Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney’s head is full of worms.
98.Massage with a stun gun
99.Heat pastuerization
100.Lead role in an Itchy and Scratchy movie
101.Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank
102.Force-fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes