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10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

BOBBIT VIRUS-Removes a vital part of your hard disk
then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work
again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS-Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS-Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS-Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS-This revolutionary virus does not
horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack
— once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS-Never calls itself a “virus,”
but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS-Won’t allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase
a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about
possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS-Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS-It would be a great virus, but it
refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS-Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS-Terminates and stays resident.
It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1-Prevents your system from spawning
any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2-Their is sumthing rong wit your
komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS-Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS-Probably harmless, but it makes
a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS-Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS-Sixty percent of the PCs infected will
lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time
(plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS-Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other
file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS-Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1-The computer locks up, screens
splits erratically with a message appearing on each
half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2-Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish
anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS-You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS-Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS-Your computer stops every few minutes to ask
for money.

ELVIS VIRUS-Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then
self-destructs — only to resurface at shopping malls
and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS-Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.

SEARS VIRUS-Your data won’t appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS-Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS-Helps your computer shut down as an
act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS-Sings you a song (slightly off key)
on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account
and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS-Invades your system in places where
no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS-Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong and sends you a bill. It starts by boldly
stating, “Read my docs … no new files!” on the screen.
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS-Makes your 486/50 machine perform
like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS-It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS-Your PC makes frequent mistakes and
comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS-Claims that if you don’t send it
a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS-It claims that it did not, could not and
would not delete two of your files and vows to find
the virus that did it.

Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes– three
years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. “Somehow” gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among
turn-ons.

2. Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear,
“Good Morning, Mr. President.”

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA now, Professor
I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Subject: It only takes about 30 seconds. Don’t cheat!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going… Don’t stop…

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in
that animal.

Say it out loud as you scroll down.

Almost there . . .

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand
you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at
head level.

Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid
e-mail games!!!!

Don’t tell the secret to others, send them this e-mail!
Smile & have a great day.

1. You’ve gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

2. You say “he, he, he, he” or “heh, heh, heh” instead of laughing.

3. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

4. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

5. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.

6. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.

7. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online
for a while.

8. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP”.

9. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

11. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

12. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.

13. You think faster than the computer.

14. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.

15. Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.

16. You’re on the phone and say BRB.

17. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

18. “Where did the time go?”

19. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!