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President Clinton arrived back in D.C. after a trip to his home state
of Arkansas. He stepped out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under
each arm. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, the Marine guard
sharply saluted him as usual.
Clinton said, “I’d like to salute you back son, but as you can see my
hands are full.”
The Marine replied, “Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!”
President Clinton responded, “These aren’t just ordinary pigs, Marie,
they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!”
The Marine replied, “Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”
The President then responded, “I got this one for Hillary, and this
one for Chelsea.”
The Marine guard then replied, “Yes Sir! Good trade, Sir!”

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked the question.
“Will I be acquitted?”

News Flash
This just in:
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in
my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the
shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and has blown up in my
face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is
when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I
know what is coming. will meet this challenge the only way I know
how … head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and
I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky
isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this
dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. ” Thank you, Monica
Lewinsky

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
“I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty. “No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. “I am the
smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb. “No, you’re not,”
said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. “I’ve had more lovers than any
person in the world,” announced Don Juan. “No, you haven’t” replied
Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed
a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming,
“I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.”
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
“I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.”
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell
is Bill Clinton”

The White House

January 19, 2001

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how
pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your
recovery.

In our country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we
want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion
and forgiveness throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to
know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President
Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and
I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery,
return to your family and join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. George W. Bush is fucking Jodie Foster