MORE CLINTON JOKES
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
he U.S. Government has announced three new bonds for 1999:
1. The Bill Bond, without principle.
2. The Monica Bond, without maturity.
3. The Hillary Bond, without interest.
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: “Bill, I
called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I
could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of
every building, there was a flag.”
Clinton asked, “Saddam, what was on the flag?”
Saddam responded, “It said Allah is God, God is Allah.”
Clinton said: “You know, Saddam, I’m really glad you called,
because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad,
and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been
completely rebuilt, and on every building there was a flag.”
Saddam said: “Bill, what was on the flag?”
Clinton replied: “I really don’t know, Saddam… I don’t read
Hebrew.”
Clinton recently visited Saddam Hussein to talk about weapon
inspections in Iraq. As they sat down, he saw three buttons in
the armrest of Saddam’s chair. Clinton asked, “Why are there
three buttons in your armrest?” “You’ll see,” replied Saddam.
They started the talks but, after about ten minutes, Saddam
pressed the first button, and a large boxing glove whacked
Clinton right in the face. Clinton grabed his nose in pain
while Saddam was laughing himself silly. Clinton decided to
remain calm because he didn’t want this to affect the talks.
After about another ten minutes, Saddam pressed the second
button, and another boxing glove punched Clinton right in
the stomach. While Clinton was gasping for air, Saddam fell
out of his chair laughing. Clinton was obviously annoyed, but
still he decided to remain outwardly calm.
They resumed talking again but, after about another five minutes,
Saddam pressed the final button, and from under the table yet
another boxing glove hit Clinton, this time right in the groin.
Clinton was really fed up at that point, and stood up to leave.
‘We’ll continue these talks next week in the White House,” the
President said as he stormed out of the palace. Saddam, still
choking from laughing, was too proud to say no, so the appointment
stood as scheduled for the next week.
So, a week later, Clinton received Saddam in the Oval Office and,
as Saddam sat down, he saw three buttons in the armrest of Clinton’s
chair. As the meeting went on, Saddam watched as Clinton pressed the
first button, so he ducked real fast, but nothing seemed to happen.
This didn’t stop Clinton from laughing… and really loudly, too.
After that, Clinton continued where he left off, until he pressed
another button. Saddam again reacted really quickly, and jumps up
out of his chair this time. Again, absolutely nothing happened, and
this time Clinton actually fell out of his chair laughing. Saddam
didn’t get it.. what the heck was going on? But, since he hadn’t
been harmed yet, he sits back down again to talk further.
After a few more minutes, Clinton pressed the final button. This
time, Saddam stayed in his seat, but Clinton didn’t. He was
rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam was really
annoyed by that point, so he stood up from his hair and shouted:
“I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad.”
Clinton rolled over on the floor, still roaring with laughter,
and with tears streaming down his face said, “Baghdad? What
Baghdad?”
A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, “Veni, vidi, vici.”
“I came, I saw, I conquered.” His words echoed throughout two
millenia. Until one day…
Monica Lewinsky gushed, “Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare.” “He
came, I slipped, it dribbled.”
Linda Tripp hissed, “Verboso, memorex, serpentus.” “She told,
I taped, I blabbed.”
Kenneth Starr cheered, “Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!”
“It matched! It’s HIS! I GOT him!”
And Bill Clinton sobbed, “Perjuratum, erratis, manuro”. “I
lied - I mean - I didn’t.”
The moral of the story? Decorum est, domus phalluso domini.
“It is only fitting that the master be ruled by his master.”
Clinton Easter Egg
If you have Microsoft Word-
Upon bootup of WORD and on the blank page..
Type the following.
I’d like Bill Clinton to resign.
Highlight the sentence. [sweep it with your mouse, with left
button depressed.]
Then strike Shift and F7 together.
You will get the message under synonyms.
The White House reports that its Internet site is back up today
after an outage yesterday. Some Internet users reported receiving
the following error message from the site:
**BRANCH TO ALTERNATE ENTRY POINT IN **TYPE intern NOT ALLOWED
**LINKAGE TRACED TO ADDRESS
**MEMORY FAULT IN ..main..
Technicians say the problem has been fixed several times before
but that it keeps recurring.
Scary thoughts:
1) Al Gore is just one orgasm away from the presidency.
2) Kind of makes you wince when you think about how Janet Reno
got her job.
A recent poll of 2000 women asked the question: Would you
sleep with Bill Clinton?
94% responded “Never again”
The Postmaster General announced the release of a new stamp for
the month of February.
It’s a Monica Lewinsky stamp.
You don’t have to lick it, it licks you.
Well, it’s Official…
The Norwegian Parliament has nominated Clinton for the Nobel prize.
This makes him the first person up for both the Penthouse Love Prize
and the Nobel Peace Prize in the same year.
Ken Starr: “Mr. President, so you’re saying that Ms. Lewinsky
raped you?” Clinton: “Yes, sir. She asked me if I was allergic
to oral sex and I said, ‘No, just SUBPOENAS.’” Starr: “And
then she started SUCKING PENIS?”
Why did Clinton get Buddy?
So Hilary would not be surprised when she passed the Oval
Office and heard,
“Lie Down, Roll Over, Beg, Now Fetch the Bone.”
The first pets had a major fight recently, and the
President had to pull Buddy the dog off Socks the
cat…
As Gennifer Flowers might say: “Buddy- just like
his owner- eats pussy like a champ.”
Nixon (responding to the press’ charges concerning
his unethical administration): “I am not a crook!”
Clinton (responding to Paula Jones’ charges concerning
his unusual appendage): “I am not crooked!”
There was an old creep called Slick Willy
Whose deportment was sometimes quite silly
With a wink of his eye
As he zipped down his fly
He’d pork the mouth of some filly
A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named “Hill”,
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
‘Cuz his female intern said “I will”
They say a Lewinsky named Monica
Played the blues on Big Bubba’s harmonica.
Though the tunes that she blew
May not all be true,
She’ll be jailed for contempt by next Hanukkah.
A cabaret singer named Flowers
Arrogated the Governor’s powers.
The affair, once denied,
Is now trumpeted wide
And plays on the TV for hours.
In response to the media hysteria over allegations
regarding Clinton’s personal life, the President has
called in all his old, trusted friends and supporters.
When Harold Ickes, Dick Morris, and a few others showed
up, the President asked his staff:
“Where’s everybody else?”
One of his advisers replied:
“They’re all in prison, sir!”
Clinton-Gate
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton’s
latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate,
… not to mention all the other scandals he’s been
accused of participating in.
Perhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as
a set — the “Bill-gates”.
No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the
president is accused of using his power and prestige
to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft
is being accused of.. um… Oh never mind.
Latest news is Lewinsky is out of money.
She blew Her Boss…
She Blew Her Job…
Now She’s Blown Her Money…
This Broad Just don’t quit…..
AND…… I BET SHE THINKS LIFE……SUCKS..
A Capitol policeman recognizes Monica and pulls her
over in the White House parking lot LATE one evening.
He walks to the side of her car door and says, “While
visiting on the premises, we must ascertain you are
not impaired in any way for Capitol grounds safety.”
And, quickly glancing around, he commences to unzip
his trousers on the spot. Somewhat irritated, Monica
moans, and then sighs: NOT the BREATHALIZER again!
Monica and Bill are alone in the President’s private
study off the Oval Office. Monica is trying to tell Bill
how much she loves him and how she would do anything for
him. Bill interrupts her by saying, “Uh, Monica, please
don’t talk with your mouth full.
Hiliary Clinton spots the Whitewater Special Prosecutor,
Kenneth Starr, having a drink at a Washington social function.
The First Lady lashes out “You are such a mean man. If I were
your wife, I’d poison your drink!”
Kenneth Starr smiles. “Madam, if you were my wife I’d drink it!”
Bill Clinton was at home, sitting down flicking the
channels over when he sees the Miss Universe contest
on and starts to watch it. Then the phone rings suddenly.
“Hello” Bill says. A husky female voice breathes into
the receiver. “I’ve always wanted to listen to your voice
while masturbating, Mr. President” The voice purrs down
the phone. Bill looks shocked and says, “That’s amazing,
how did you know I was masturbating!”
Bill Clinton’s in the Lincoln bedroom engaged in some
heavy foreplay with Monica, when he decides that it’s
time to finish the deed. As he’s doing so, Monica lets
out a cry of discomfort. “What’s the matter, honey?”
Asks the President. “I’m still a virgin, and it hurts!”
was the reply. Bill responds, “I feel your pain!”
Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White
House intern one day at a gathering.
The president says to her, “Would you like to come to
the Oval Office and see my clock?”
She says, “No, Mr. President, I don’t think so.”
The President replies, “Please. I’d really like to show
it to you.”
“No, Mr. President, I really can’t.”
“Come on. Come and see my clock. It’ll only take a minute.”
“All right. If it won’t take long.”
They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down,
unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.
The intern says, “That’s not a clock, it’s a cock.”
To which the president says, “You put two hands and a
face on it, it’s a clock.”
Two people sitting at a lunch counter:
“If President Clinton wants to raise money by placing
’sin’ taxes on tobacco and alcohol, why doesn’t he
place one on condoms?”
“Because the President has never had a smoking or
drinking problem.”
The Clintons bought a new parrot. The unfortunate thing
is, this parrot used to live in a whore house. One
evening the Clinton family, Chelsea included, arrived
at the White house. First Hillary walked in and the
Parrot squawked “Too old, too old” Then Chelsea walked
through the door and the parrot then squawked, “too
young, too young”
Then Bill walked through the door and the parrot
squawked, “Hi Bill.”
Bill Clinton’s on the phone in the oval office,
“…so get down here Monica, I need you right away.”
A few minutes later, Monica rushes in, the president
gets up, goes over to Monica and starts fondling her
breasts. “Sir!” Monica exclaims, in shock, “I thought
you called me in here because you were about to have
a Summit Meeting…” “That is correct, Monica,” says
the president, “and that is precisely why I need to
‘borrow’ your summits!”
Sitted in a circle around were Dick Gephardt, Al Gore,
and Bill Clinton. The moderator was asking questions
to each of them.
The moderator asked Gephardt “What do you call a nut
attached to a wall?”
Gephardt answered: “That’s easy, a walnut.”
Then the moderator asked Gore “What do you call nuts on
your chest?”
Gore answered unsurely: “Chestnuts?”
The moderator replied “Correct. President Clinton, what
do you call nuts on your chin?”
Clinton (eyes glazed): “A hell of a blowjob.”
Mis-Quotes
Here are a few quotes on the recent debacle, Through my
special mind powers, I have added what the people were
actually thinking in ()…
‘You had no sexual relationship with this young woman?’
Clinton replied, ‘There is not a sexual relationship,
an improper sexual relationship, or any other improper
relationship. (It is just sex, no relationship.)’
‘He has made it clear he wants people to tell the truth
in all these matters, (Its just WHEN he is going to tell
the truth that matters…)’ McCurry said
Bennett said, ‘I know nothing about that, (I see no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil) before I comment on it I want
to investigate. (I have to talk to Bill and get the story
straight) What I do know is that he adamantly denies it
(Deny everything first, apologize for it later) , and she
under oath denies it.(Its a good thing we paid her off when
we did)’
Reported in USA Today, Giles also said Ms. Lewinsky told
the Bleilers when she left for her Washington internship
in June 1995: “I’m going to the White House to get my
presidential knee pads. (I just hate those Oval Office rug
burns)”
“We know everything there is to know about each other (I
already have hread the tapes) and we understand and accept
and love each other, (I am not giving up the Presidency)”
Hillary said in NBC Today Interview.
“History, with all of its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived.
But, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
By Maya Angelou in poem delivered at Presidient Clinton’s
first inauguration. (Apparently he wasn’t listening!)