Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’
stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly
empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. Of course, they don’t sell those
things at Wal-mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve
never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only
confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying
things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!”
“Who owns that?” “Do you have their phone number?”

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable
for a night of romance that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I’m not sure what a complicated
doll is.

Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and
using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also
describes a few ex-girlfriends.)

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a
book on animal husbandry.

I figured the “vibro-motion” was a feature Jay could
live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was
at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
“doll” took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and
gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty
hose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a
nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him
VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed
like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked.

My brother quickly explained. “It’s a doll.”

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?”

Granny continued. I hadn’t seen any in the box, but I kept
this information to myself.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang
on Granny, Hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said,” Hey, who’s the naked gal by
the fireplace?”

I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just
talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice,
and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and
began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to
the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out
of the house.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’, even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, and still they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Hudson’s, now Kmart’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Visa, Mastercard and Target and Pier’s.

To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away–charge away–charge away all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster now with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you’ll be paying all year!”

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

A Christmas Engineering Calculation
Finally - something for the Engineers in DRS

I. There is approximately two billion children–persons
under 18–in the world. But, since Santa is not supposed
to visit non-Christian children, his Christmas Eve work-
load is limited to 15% of the total, or 378 million
children–according to the Population Reference Bureau.
At an average of 3.5 children per household, that comes
to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least
one “good” child in each.

II. Assuming Santa travels east to west, which seems logical
considering the earth’s rotational direction, he has
about 31 hours in which to complete his gift-distribution
task. This works out to 967.7 visits per second, leaving
him about .001 of a second to park his sleigh at each
“good” child’s house, hop out, zip down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining present
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for
him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and
get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
108 million stops is evenly distributed around the
earth, he would have to cover about 0.78 miles between
each pair of houses, a total of 75.5 million miles, not
counting potty stops or rest breaks. His sleigh would
have to move at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the
speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a mere 27.4
miles per second. Incidentally, a normal reindeer can
run no faster than 15 miles per hour, so Santa’s would
have to be quite gifted as track stars.

III. The sleigh’s payload adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets only a medium-sized Lego
set (two pounds), the sleigh would be carrying over
500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that a “flying” reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job couldn’t be done with
eight or even nine (remember Rudolph) of them. Santa
would need 360,000 normal reindeer, increasing the total
moving mass-not counting the weight of the sleigh–by at
least another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the
weight of the QEII (Queen Elizabeth II ocean liner).

IV. Over 550,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
encounters enormous air resistance, creating a deafening
sonic boom and heating up the reindeer in the same fashion
as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion
joules of energy per second. In short, they would burst
into flames almost instantly, exposing the pair behind
them to the same consequences. The entire eight-reindeer
team would be vaporized within .00426 of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on
his tour. Not that it would matter, since Santa, having
accelerated from rest to 650 m.p.s. in .001 of a second,
would have been subjected to a centrifugal force of
17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
him to a genuine “bowl full of jelly,” whether laughing
or not.

V. Therefore, if Santa ever existed, he’s been dead for quite
a while, but he lives in our hearts forever

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gem that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.

So here is that gem, it’s price beyond worth…=20
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.=20
Merry Christmas