Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

- Why didn’t Superman save Princess Di the night she died?
- Because he’s in a wheelchair!

- A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

- “How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”

- Q: Where do they put the pictures of lost children on milk cartons
in Ethiopia?
- A: On the UPC bar code in the lower left-hand corner.

- “There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won’t, and that’s a spouse who can’t cook and will.”

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t
park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for
a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

- What’s another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child… eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day
I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it
out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time
I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe
I wrote that.-

- I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus
on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks
at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it
clearly)… and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to
a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything
specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get
out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what
to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -
I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when
I’m out.-

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t
know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any
time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street
and… oohh, that’s much
better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection
of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s
always room- temperature.

- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of
the precipitate.

- You can’t have everything… where would you put it?

- Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When
I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I
said, -Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.- He
said, -Yes, but not in a row.-

- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you
got anything I’d like?- Then they ask me what size I
need, and I say, -Extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told
my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-

- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people
who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the
rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be
out that long.-

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, -Didn’t you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah,
but I don’t believe everything I read.-

- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity,
your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the
passing lane?-

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When
I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn’t have a car… I had a helicopter…
no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post
and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]

- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it’s going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My
dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
-Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-

- I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so
I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.-
I said, -I can’t find my socks.- She said, -They’re
behind the couch.-

- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section… but not so you’d
notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out
through the window.

- Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair,
and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s
how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a
poem about everything.

Q: What do John F. Kennedy Jr. and a penguin have in common?
A: They’re both cute to look at, but neither one can fly worth a damn.

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?”
- George Carlin

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about
quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny. “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt
you. You see, I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m
going, and, in fact, since I’m also an orphan, don’t even know what
I am.”
“Quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same
as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my m
other. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and
figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re
covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose
twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be
a bunny.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” cried the bunny in obvious excitement,
“Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve
helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, “Well, you’re
scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no
balls. I’d say you must be a politician.”

A man and wife wake up one morning shortly before Christmas. The
woman says “Wow! I just had the most incredible dream. I dreamt
of a huge christmas tree, but instead of the usual decorations,
it was all hung with penises. Big penises, small penises, pink
penises, black penises… but right on top was the most perfect
penis I have ever seen!”
“Let me guess,” Says the husband, “That penis on top was mine, right?”
“No, it wasn’t. I’m not sure whose it was, but it sure wasn’t yours!”
“Well, I had an incredible dream last night, too.” Said the husband.
“I dreamt of a huge Christmas tree as well, but instead of the usual
decorations, it was covered in pussies! Big pussies, small pussies,
pink pussies, Asian pussies, red pussies… but on top was the most
perfect pussy I have ever seen!”
“And that pussy was mine, right?” Asked the wife
“No, yours was holding up the tree!”

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to
do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that
skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to
her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER
OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his
castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the
shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back
to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a
look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him
an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when
he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3.Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they
are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2.Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t
work for him.

1.Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the
boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way
him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quazzimoto (Hunchback of Notre Dame)
were standing around talking. Hercules spoke up and said, “I bet I am the
strongest man in the world.” Snow White then looked around and said, “Well
I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world.” Then Quazzimoto
looks around and quietly said, “I suppose that I am the ugliest man in the
world.” An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said,
“There is a phsycic on top of that hill up there, why don’t you each go in
there and ask her yourself?” The three friends agreed and they hiked to
the top of the hill. Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes
later and said, “I was right, I am the strongest man in the world.” Snow
White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, “I was also
right, I am the most beautiful person in the world.” Finally it was
Quazzimoto’s turn. He went in and after a few minutes he came out
scratching his head. He looks up at his friends and said, “Who is Dennis
Rodman?”