Bumper stickers
Friday, July 15th, 2005
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.”
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two it’s an amusement park.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• A good pun is its own reword.
• A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
• Accidents cause people.
• Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
• All men are idiots… I married their king.
• All those who beleve in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Avoid reality at all costs.
• Back OFF - I Have PMS and a Handgun in the Glovebox
• Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
• Badassed traffic… Next time, try leaving it behind okay?
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• Be ridiculous.
• Beat the 5 o’clock rush - Leave work at noon!
• Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You’re Sorry.
• Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• Born free… taxed to death.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
• Cat bathing is a martial art.
• Cats… the other white meat
• Caution! I can og from 0 to bitch in 2.5 seconds.
• Caution: I break for imaginary objects
• CAUTION: I drive like you do.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
• Constant change is here to stay
• Couldn’t afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louder.
• Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
• Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.
• Death is the consequence of being alive.
• Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for lunch.
• Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’…till you can find a rock.
• Do catfish have nine lives?
• Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
• Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
• Don’t be mad at your government- they haven’t done anything.
• Don’t drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
• Don’t drink and drive, go with a buddy and alternate.
• Don’t play with your food, especially after you’ve already eaten it.
• Don’t read while you drive, you’ll crash.
• Don’t take life too seriously - it isn’t permanent.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• Don’t use force; use a bigger hammer.
• Don’t worry about life; you’re not going to survive it, anyway.
• Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions?
• Drive defensively, buy a tank.
• Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
• EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Ever stoped to think, and forget to start again?
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• Everything is unimportant in some way.
• Famous last words: Don’t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
• Famous last words: Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.
• Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog–
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• Fight crime….shoot back.
• Five years from now, will they have a Soviet Reunion?
• For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
• Get even - die in debt.
• Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your children.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• God doesn’t believe in Atheists.
• God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier
• God loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a ****!
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
• Guns don’t kill people, I do!
• Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
• Hang up and drive.
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
• He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Honk if you’re an Asshole.
• Horn broken: Watch for finger.
• How ’bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
• How does Teflon stick to the pan?
• I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol level).
• I club baby seals
• I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I did NOT escape…. they gave me a day pass.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• I do what the voices in my head tell me.
• I don’t care, I don’t have to.
• I don’t get even, I get odder.
• I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
• I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
• I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference.
• I don’t live in fantasy; I only work there.
• I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
• I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
• I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• I Live in Another Dimension, But I Have a Summer Home in Reality
• I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken.
• I may be slow but at least I’m ahead of you!
• I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• I remember when sex was safe and motorbikes were not.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• I souport publik edekasion
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
• I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
• I wore a short sleeved shirt today, it is my right to bare arms.
• I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
• I’d love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
• I’d love to go out with you, but I’m having all my plants neutered.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If at first you don’t succeed, to hell with it.
• If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
• If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
• If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• If I promise to miss you, will you go away!
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
• If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
• If not for politicians, we wouldn’t NEED assault rifles.
• If Reindeer can fly, our windscreens are in big trouble.
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast and easy.
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• If you are psychic - think “HONK”
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer!
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
• If you can’t stop in time to read this, smile as you go under
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you don’t like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
• If you drink, don’t park.
• If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?
• If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
• If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
• If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
• If you’re rich, I’m single.
• I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• I’m going Nucking Futs!!!
• I’m not a bum, my wife works.
• I’m not a complete Idiot, some parts are missing.
• I’m only driving this way to piss you off.
• I’m surrounded by idiots!
• I’m the guy your parents warned you about.
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
• Impotence: Natures way of saying no hard feelings.
• In God we trust. All others we monitor.
• In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
• In theory, everything works.
• It doesn’t matter how hard you’ve studied; the material won’t be on the exam anyway.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
• It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• It’s not what you say in your argument, it’s how loud you say it.
• Its not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
• It’s only a game until you lose.
• I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . but this wasn’t it.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
• Jesus saves sinners…and redeems them for valuable cash pizes.
• Jesus saves….God invests.
• Jesus saves…by shopping wisely and using coupons
• Joes repair shop. We repair what your husband fixed.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
• Join the Army, travel to exotic lands, meet exciting and unusual people. Then kill ‘em.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers
• Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Keep honking, I’m reloading as fast as I can!
• Keep Working… Millions on Welfare are Depending on YOU!
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Kiss me twice. I’m schizophrenic.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes - use birth control!
• Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer’s way of debugging.
• Life is a terminal disease.
• Life is God’s way of preserving meat.
• Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s full of nuts.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.
• Life takes its toll. Bring change.
• Life’s a bitch. So am I.
• Like I give a rat’s ass what you think
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Love your enemies: it really gets them confused.”
• Madness takes it toll. Please have exact change.
• Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
• Make WAR, not SEX, it’s safer!
• Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
• Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party?
• Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
• Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.
• More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
• Most people make sense. I’m not one of them.
• Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
• My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam!
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• My mind was never what it used to be.
• My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
• My sexual orientation is… well, horizontal, mostly
• My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her …. or something like that.
• Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• Never trust a nun with a gun.
• No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
• No Radio - Already Stolen
• Nosey little fucker, aren’t you? (Written in really tiny writing)
• Not all women are annoying…some are dead.
• Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
• Now Accepting Compliments
• Of all my relations, I like sex the best
• Of all the people I know, you’re one of them.
• Of course I’m Drunk…Do I Look like a Bloody Stunt Driver?
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
• Old hippies never die, They just go undercover.
• Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Only Idiots Read Bumper Stickers
• Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
• People like you are the reason we have middle fingers !.
• People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.
• People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
• Personally, I’m not gifted, I’m weird.
• Pets aren’t dangerous; just don’t let them carry guns.
• Powers? I don’t need no stinking powers, I’ve got a plasma rifle!
• Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Put on your seatbelt… I wanna try something.
• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Reality is for people who can’t handle science fiction.
• Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Roses are red Violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, And so am I
• Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
• Save the Whales! Trade then for valuable prizes.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
• Sex is like Pizza - even when you think it’s bad, it’s kinda good.
• Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
• Smile, it’s the second-best thing you can do with your lips.
• Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
• So many pedestrians, so little time.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
• Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
• Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
• Speak softly, but carry an M16.
• STOP GLOBAL WHINING
• Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
• SUPPORT BINGO — keep Grandma off the streets
• Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Tell me what you believe and I’ll tell you where you’re going wrong.
• Thank God I’m an Atheist
• That dress just screams Crack Whore.
• The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• The rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
• There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can’t.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
• There’s an exception to every rule, except this one.
• There’s no future in time travel.
• THINK–it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
• Those who can, do. Those who can’t hire others to.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
• Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy!
• To hell with the dog - beware of the owner.
• To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support Group
• Tonight’s weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
• Too close for missiles: Switching to guns.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning
• Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
• Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• Was today really necessary?
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.
• What do you mean, caffeine isn’t a vitamin?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?
• When in danger, When in doubt, Run in circles, Scream and shout.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.”
• When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Wink, I’ll do the rest!
• Women have to be in the mood, men just have to be in the room.
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• You know it’s going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
• You! Out of the gene pool!
• Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
• Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
• You’re about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.