Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on.

She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line…It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00″.

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her…being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

Q: What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?

A1: Corduroy.

A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?

A. She was bobbing for French fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

A: She answers the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?

A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?

A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?

A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?

A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?

A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?

A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?

A. You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?

A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?

A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?

A: The guy, who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can’t have kids??

A: Because she’s DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK’s parent’s do to punish her?

A1: Rearranged the furniture

A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl

A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.

A4: Put her in a round room and told her there’s a penny in the corner

A5: Washed her hands out with soap

A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.

A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?

A1: She’s a woma

A2: She’s dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?

A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?

A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What’s the name of Helen Keller’s favorite book?

A: “Around the block in 80 Days”

Q: Define true love.

A: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?

A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?

A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?

A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?

A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?

A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriend’s ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?

A: She shouted hysterically.

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”.

They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.

The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

“We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.”

“Very clever!” remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?”

“Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being referred to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?”

“Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”