Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with
calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some
paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with
no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named
Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and
divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog
was named Measure. He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven
ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were
equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked,
“What can your dog do?

The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and
said, “Show these fellows what you can do!”

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back.
While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied
for workman’s compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

“That was a honey bee,” his father said, “one of our friends. For
stomping him you will do without honey for a week.”

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

“That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week.”

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother
stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her,
Dad, or should I?”

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus
acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable
acts.

Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center
ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet
tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his
pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all
three walnuts with three swings!

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly
Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town
and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same
“Don’t Miss the Amazing Goldstein.” He can’t believe the old
guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

Again he buys a ticket, sits through the acts and again the
center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on
the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the
table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his
amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy! The salesman requests
a meeting with him after the show.

In his dressing room, the salesman tells Goldstein he’s
never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why
he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier
walnuts.

“Vell,” says Goldstein, “mine eyes aren’t vhat they used to
be!”

In these days when flying has become humorless, here’s a short
tale that may make you smile.

A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The
flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if
the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would
re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
My Buddy had noticed the man as he walked by and could tell the man
was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the
seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the
pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?”

The blind guy replied, “No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to
stretch his legs.”

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were
trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember things aren’t always as they appear?

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first
sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a
monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before
he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies
the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and
says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist
replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”