Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The
doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week
for the results. The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to
be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
“But how can this be?” he cries, “I’m only a paper
bag!”

“Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year?” asks the doctor.
“No, how can I??” he shouts “I’m only a paper bag!”
“How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything
like that?”

“I’ve said to you before” the paper bag sobs “how
can I?! I’m only a paper bag!”

“Ahhhh” says the doctor shaking his head sadly.
“As I suspected…………………….

Your mother must have been a carrier.”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out… a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

3. Â Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”
7. Â Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
12. Â Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
50. Â Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
65. Â Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Â Tell people their accent isn’t fooling anyone.
99. Â Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
100. Â Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
105. Â Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Â Say “okay, you’re gay” to anything someone says.
107. Â As peole talk, smell their shoulders.
108. Â When in a conversation, look out the window, then say “Wait, start over. I wasn’t paying attention.”
109. Â Say to people, “Did you wear deodorant today?”
110. Â Place your shoes on the table. 111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. Â When standing near a “high-class person,” ask them, “Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off.”
113. Â Switch your neighbour’s lawn furniture with someone else’s.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Â Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Â Sample every flavour of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don’t like about each one.
117. Â Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Â Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Â Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Â Wear odd shoes.
121. Â Learn “Ice Ice Baby” by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Â Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Â Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Â Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Â Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Â Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told an extremely funny joke.
127. Â Phone McDonald’s and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Â Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2D2.
129. Â Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Â Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Â Pretend you have gone comopletely deaf.
132. Â etirW sdrawkcab.
133. Â Walk into people’s houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Â Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Â Loudly recite people’s most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Â Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbours ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Â Try to fit the word “cornucopia” into every sentence you say.
138. Â Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Â Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend’s house who has a piano. Claim you’ve never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, “I guess I must kinda be a natural.”
140. Â Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Â Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Â Wear your cap backwards and say “Yo, wazzup?” a lot.
143. Â Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Â Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton’s cousin.
145. Â Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Â Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Â Down a can of Coke in one and then burp loudly.
148. Â Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Â Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word “the.”
150. Â Wire up people’s cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Â Ride a unicycle to work.
152. Â E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows ‘95 that aren’t actually there.
153. Â Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you’re staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Â Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Â Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house.
156. Â When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Â Insist on “Weird Al” sing-a-longs.
158. Â On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. Â When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Â Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Â Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you’re doing. Reply, “I’ve been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You’re weird!” Leave the restaurant.
162. Â When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Â Move people’s bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren’t looking.
164. Â Call the operator. When asked, “Can I help you?” reply, “No thanks, just browsing.”
165. Â Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaning these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger’s seat and claim, “He was here a minute ago, officer!”
166. Â On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Place each one a mile apart on an unlit highway.
167. Â After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven’t recieved enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Â Push a raisin into someone’s cream-filled donut.
169. Â Spread fertilizer on half your neighbour’s lawn.
170. Â Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the centre of someone’s anti-perspirant.
171. Â Throw an Oh Henry! in a public pool.
172. Â When at a party with an infant present, ask the parent for a diaper. Prepare the diaper with Nutella, peanut butter, etc. Insert the diaper into the garbage can. Later, reach into the garbage, pull out the diaper, announce, “Hey, look what I found,” and chow down!
173. Â At school, stick “presents” in people’s backpacks or purses, such as mud, rocks, sticks, and leaves.
174. Â Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald’s.
175. Â Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Â Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Â Tell people their fly is down when they’re wearing sweat pants.
178. Â Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. Â At random times in a conversation, say “hi,” “hello Sir, how are you?” or “have a good day, thank you.”

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. ” In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …! ”

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.