Unique Jokes.com, A funny blog…

Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?

A: You never leave home.

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.

The bartender says, “Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I’m from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s 6-4 and weighs 250 and he’s from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He’s 6-6 and weighs 280 and he’s from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?”

The guy says, “Nah.”

To which the bartender smiles and says, “What’s the matter? Are ya chicken?”

The guy says, “Nah. I just don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

The following are all replies that have been
included on British “Child Support Agency” forms in the section provided
for listing details about the child’s father:

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child, as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same
to me. I can confirm that he was wearing a Royal Green Jacket.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered
by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Child B
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you please send me his
phone number? Thanks.

I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s
had it replaced.

I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad, as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
my country. Please advise.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD’s?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
[address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it’s intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, looked at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.

9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

11. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

12. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

18. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

20. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front.

Mike’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”

Mike says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go “tick-tock-tick-tock” anymore.
Now it just goes “tick…tick…tick.”

The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice…
Ve haf vays of making you tock!”