YOUR OWN PERSONAL DETAINEE….
July 19th, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Dear Friend:
Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the
treatment of the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration’s Liberal Empathy Training Program,
you’ll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to
place one detainee under your exclusive care. Your detainee is
scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday.
The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be
necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct
weekly inspections; of course, to assure that your detainee is
actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus
that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was
negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we
haven’t completely remedied.
Although he is a sociopath and very psychotic, we do welcome your
promised efforts to overcome that “attitudinal problem” with your
promised counseling and home schooling.
He’s extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish
human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do
not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at
your next bridge party. He also has the ability to make a variety
of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, not withstanding that it may conflict
with your moral values or disrupt your maid’s daily routine.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage.
“Does not play well with others”.
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,
assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That
should help with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.
You take good care of our detainee now.